The Real World DC Premiere Recap: Ebony and Bi-vory

There is little I loathe more than MTV. I find shows like "Date My Mom" and "Teen Mom" unwatchable, mostly because of the general feeling of putting on a show that comes along with them. Then I watched The Real World: DC. At first I thought it would be painful and annoying the whole way through. As I came to the close of the episode, it dawned on me that I no longer felt that way. Instead, my pretentious television nature had bloomed into an insatiable fodder for crap TV.

Not saying that the Real World is anything but that: crap. It puts 8 (not very interesting) people together and watches the sparks fly. I feel like making this like an awards show. So I will:

Best Moment of the Episode: It was actually in the "this season on..." montage that the producers put together. The girl with the red hair screamed "I just want to go back to who I was!!!" with tears in her eyes. It warmed my heart.

Worst Moment of the Episode: When the black dude (Ty) got all bent out of shape about his ties being "just so." Unlike the heinous religious fight earlier, it was not entertaining or mildly amusing.

Most inexplicable falling out: Ashley and Ty. They didn't even fight, but she got all hot and bothered that he was an atheist. "This *points to herself, then him* isn't working." I want real drama! Not trumped up, fakey bs.

Most "wtf?" filled scene: When Mike mentioned he was bisexual and everyone went crazy. Forgive me, but I'm pretty sure Ashley JUST mentioned that she dated a girl not 10 minutes ago and everyone was like "whatever." Why is it such a blatant double standard for guys?

Worst "look" of the show: Andrew half-naked in bed. Ick. Plus, we all knew that he WANTED her to find his little bear or whatever.

Hottest preview: the kiss between Mike and the indiscriminate girl, then the kiss between Mike and the indiscriminate guy. Both got me a little steamy.

Best "message" of the episode: The LGBT community can be involved in Christianity too. I'm not sure we want our poster child to be a 20 year old who "has done it with 9 girls and 5 guys," but still, it was nice.

Best "idiot!" moment: When Andrew told Emily that he was a cage fighter... and she believed him.

"Least screen time" award: The rocker dude. He was on while the whole "rockers MUST be attracted to other rockers" debacle was happening, but that's the only thing I can remember him doing.

Biggest "what were they thinking?" moment: Having Andrew wear that Panda hat. Um, no thank you. You just dropped from a 6 on the cuteness scale to a 2.

So, were you stupid enough to watch this prime piece of trash TV? If not, get the eff on the computer and find it. That's an order.

2009 Television Wrap-up

First of all, MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE! And to all you non-Christmas celebrators, HAPPY (insert name of special occasion)! I hope that any time you get to spend with your family is blessed and only slightly irritating.

Now, on to the real deal. I apologize that it has been so long since I lasted added my thoughts to this list. I over-committed and under-slept, and, by the time I wanted to do another article, it was nearly time for the end of the year-round-up. And I did not want to take away from any of my jokes by doing a double post. So I waited. And have now set up for you my list of the best and worst comedies and dramas of the year.

COMEDY:

The Shizznit:

ABC has done a great job this year introducing the public to actually funny comedy shows, starting back in March with Better Off Ted (who makes use of actress Portia de Rossi of Arrested Development). But this fall they brought us the amazingly hilarious Cougar Town (boasting with a cast of Courtney Cox, Christa Miller, and Dan Byrd). Each episode takes me on a ride of emotions from elation to a little sad straight back to elated. It plays with your mind. It has little Easter Eggs from the observant. It portrays real life, though not the life that you or anyone else has. It shows what real life would be like if we all had nice bodies and sharp wit (a team of costumers and writers might help in this area). It is just downright side-splittingly comical. And I hope the team of Beigel and Lawrence (both writers from Scrubs) keep showing us a great time every Wednesday at 10.

If you like this show, also check out “Modern Family,””Better Off Ted,” and “Community.”

Just Plain Shit:

In the past two years, How I Met Your Mother has become a sensation. Most of this is due to the talent of Alyson Hannigan and Neil Patrick Harris. But a lot of it has to do with the writers of the show, Carter Bays and Craig Thomas, who had previous success as writers on the Late Show with David Letterman. So, thinking they could create another triumph, CBS decided it would take a no-name writer (Claudia Lonow), and mix her with a bunch of no-name actors. And from this hodge-podge, out comes Accidentally on Purpose, marking the first time that the title of a show has described its conception (it’s a pun; laugh now). The jokes are forced. The relationships are clichéd. The characters are un-relatable. In short, this show needed aborted after about three weeks (sorry, could not resist.)

I am going to add just a few sentences about Glee, because it would be both unwise and unfair to ignore it. I thought I would love the show, but I end up hating it more and more each week. I don’t like the songs, the singers, the plots, or the characters. I am in the minority in this opinion, and I am okay with that. However, please do not confuse Notoriety with talent; just because it is cool and new does not mean that it is good. Thank you.

DRAMA:

FTW!:

Back in November I did I review of Joss Whedon’s current show, Dollhouse. At the time, my disappointment and sadness outweighed my love and loyalty to the show. But those feelings have been revived. After a month-long hiatus, Dollhouse returned bigger and better than ever. Having already been cancelled, Whedon did not have to try to conform or meet a quota. He was left to his own devices, which is how he produces his best work. We were graced with two new episodes every week starting 4 December with guest star Summer Glau (Firefly). Each one is fast-paced, suspenseful, and exciting. My brain explodes with each new twist, each new development, and each new enemy. This past week’s double-feature had me on the edge of my seat, knuckles white gripping the sides of my laptop. I simply loved it. I am excited that there are still three episodes left (including a continuation of last season’s special “Epitaph” miniseries), but I am disappointed that it will be over so soon. I can only hope that someone soon recognizes Whedon’s greatness and enlists him in helping improve their primetime lineup. P.S. Though technically in its 2^nd season, Dollhouse first aired in February of this year, so it counts.

If you are a fan of this show, you might also enjoy ”V.”

!WTF:

Despite their acclaim in the humor department, ABC needs some help choosing good serious television. They were the ones that cursed us with the show Eastwick (these are the jokes…) which has been cancelled, though was somehow allowed to air awful episodes through the end of the year. Another show that should be circumvented is FlashForward. I was only able to force myself to watch three episodes of this, but those three were more than enough. Starring Joseph Fiennes ( brother of Ralph who plays “Voldemort” of the Harry Potter Series; is personally no one of great importance), this show started with an interesting premise that quickly turned into a great ball of nothing. Characters tried to prove that they would never do the things they are going to do. Other characters don’t believe them. Some are scared they are going to die. They follow leads. They get nowhere. After an hour, nothing has happened. This show was put on a hiatus until March, but it should be expanded indefinitely. It is neither a good lesson in character psyche, nor a good way to spend your time. It needs replaced ASAP, possibly with something by Bryan Fuller or Joss Whedon (fingers crossed).

Have you Met... Priscilla Ahn?

The "Have You Met..." column will focus on artist's who have debuted in the last few years that you might have missed. These will, for the most part, be singer/songwriters who should have had commercial success, but for one reason or another, were lost in the shuffle.

Priscilla Ahn "A Good Day" (8/10)

In 2007, a Korean-American folk artist rocked the indie music scene with an EP that positioned her to be the next Regina Spektor or Ingrid Michaelson. Unfortunately for Ms. Ahn, that 5 song wonder was forgotten in the year and a half between it and her full-length debut, proving that even music nuts have short memories. Despite being the iTunes Editor's Pick of the month, "A Good Day" never really got off the ground, failing to break into the Billboard top 200.

However, this was not due to lack of quality. On the contrary, Priscilla's album may be the most vibrant and slick (in a good way) CD from a folkie in a long time. In the album's opener, "Dream," she blends pop and lo-fi together in such a way that it is universally appealing without being vapid or idiotic.

The rest of the album is just as good. "Wallflower" is a cute song about two shy kids meeting at the same party, while the record's best song, "Red Cape," is pretty much about nothing, but her lyricism and sparkling wit makes it a runaway hit creatively nonetheless.

On the softer side of things, "Lullaby" could be a long-lost children's bed time song with it's strong melody and Ahn's beautiful falsetto. Clocking in at almost 5 minutes (unusual for a folk song) you still want to hear more and more. "A Good Day (Morning Song)" is the perfect album closer, bringing to mind waking up to a beautiful sunrise. From the emotion of her words to the powerful quietness in her voice, Priscilla Ahn proves that she does not deserve to be just another Hotel Cafe singer. She deserves to be a star.

"The Sing Off" Night One: Folds-ing Under Pressure

I am a lover of all things bad television. Reality shows have become a staple in my TV-watching schedule, and for good reason: they rock. It's always pure fun to watch someone get bitch-slapped by judges' critiques on Runway, or to hear a stellar performance on American Idol. Reality television, more than any other genre, is totally hit or miss. As you might have figured out already, The Sing-Off falls into the latter category.

First, can we talk about NICK FREAKING LACHEY as a judge?! OMG, if he tilts his big ol' noggin to the side once more, I'm going to A) have a stroke then B) rip it off of him. Was Paula Abdul not available? Blech. He looks like bobblehead Ken doll.

As for the judges, did America really think they could flip the Idol table and we wouldn't notice? So what, just because nonsense-spewing black dude is on the RIGHT that makes all the difference? And, while the drugged out pretty girl is still in the middle, the one that makes the most sense is now on the LEFT (even if Ben is nicer than Simon ever could be). I found that to be truly disgusting, especially when Idol is so close to airing again.

Part 1

_______________________________

The "Latin" group:

This is going to be a long ride, so let's kick it off with some backstory wtf-ing. Are we really to the point in this country where we're treating H1N1 like cancer? I feel sorry for latin dude and his pig-infested spouse, but it was ridiculous to hear him prattle on about her disease as if it was some sort of incurable ailment. Sorry to get all medical on your asses, but more people died from the regular flu this month than from Swine. Basically latin dude was crying over his wife getting a bad cold.

I had a cold rush of fear before their truly heinous performance of "I'm Yours" (never should be sung with a latin accent again) started. This is not a song for amateurs. This was probably the least favorite of my first four performances, actually. They just had too much going on, from the mediocre second singer to the Spanish-sung part at the end. It was not good. I have no idea what Ben or Tweedledee and Tweedledum were thinking letting them through.

The "Christian" group:

Southern accents! Bible-college! Beards! They must be hick-town Christians! Too bad their faith couldn't save them from a truly horrendous interview package. Really, dudes? We're going to have to take you seriously after a clip of you playing ping-pong with a voice-over saying "We're not straight-laced" is on? That was the saddest thing out of the whole episode.

Except for their performance. Which was pretty darn bad. I had a gut feeling that they were packing it up, but apparently inspiration saved them. Oh well, I guess we'll have to hear from Voices of Lee again.

The "Dad" group:

Finally, a group I could get behind! Their package was excellent, the way they just made themselves look like normal fathers who just liked to rock out. The entire time I was praying "Please be good, PLEASE BE GOOD."

And, in fact, they were. Not to be punny without the funny, but they really did rock their faces off. And Face probably had one of the two best lead singers of the first four. While I agreed with Ben that the chorus fell a little flat, it was no reason for them to go home after the first two groups wiffed it in such a profound way. (Side note: This was the first time that Nicole portrayed her crazy-woman laugh. Stay tuned.)

The "Grrl Power" group:

They had the distinction of being two things: 1. the most insane interviewees and 2. the best pure singers of the first four. I'm sorry, but when they're talking about looking at each other, then it cuts to them looking at each other, that's BAD. That made them look even crazier than they already are (Jesus lived in America! USA!) and just turned me off in the worst way.

Thank God (or Joseph Smith) that their performance was killer. The P!nk look-alike they have as a lead singer totally ripped into that Aretha song, leaving the bloody carcass of notes in my mind way after the show was over. But then the judges gave some bizarre feedback about the sound being too "tinny." I don't know what it was like there, but it sounded fine from my computer speakers. Also, Nicole's hair inexplicably moved like there was wind in the studio half-way through her comments. Wtf?

Let's take a second and contemplate how Mr. Lachey told the audience that the producers had created the phrase "Swan Song." And then let's think about how Face picked the song that was the actual swan song from American Idol circa Season 6. Maybe they should have gone home after all.

Part 2

_______________________________

The "Frat Boy" group:

Let me start by saying that all those "brothers" looked like they just walked out from an audition to play a part on the new 90210. Every one of them was either cute or hot or somewhere in between. Maybe that's why Ben praised their song choice? It's stupid but I can't think of any other reason. He was spot on saying that some people would find it corny, because I almost raised my hand as the words were coming out of his mouth. Shawn increased the Randy Jackson-ness of his comments by shouting "Me too!" after Ben said the thing about "knowing what that's like." And we got more weird hair movement and crazy laughter from Nicole. What, did they bring in a tiny wind machine just for her?

The "Veterans" group:

Okay, this seemed a little planned. From the matching red outfits to the off vocals, it seemed perfect that the producers planted this old soul group to get the boot early on. And, in my "humble" opinion, they should have. Some of those notes were flatter than the blonde one in the middle. It was a dated song, a dated look, a dated delivery. Sorry, but I would ask my barber to cut my ears off if that quartet was in his shop. Which is why it was so shocking that they didn't go. I wanted Ben to rip into them, but he's too nice. The sucker.

Also, I don't buy Nicole's feigned "dope" comments. Lady, you're a Pussycat Doll! As soon as those sequined red tops hit the stage, it was all you could do not to throw up.

The "Preppy" group:

Let's face it, if anyone could win this show, it would be the SoCals. They have the vocals, the lead singer looks like Ben Folds' younger brother, and every one of them hit all their notes and steps last night. Not to be all Nicole, but THAT was dope. It's no wonder they made it into the Top 6. Unfortunately, since they were spot on, that's really all there is to say. Which is not the case about:

The "Black" group:

Train-wreck of a backstory aside, they just weren't very good. It didn't help at all (at least in my eyes) that they picked one of the worst songs of 2009. Shawn's critique was totally legit; there was a disconnect in the harmonies. Not only that, even the lead singers were flat and sharp and some new kind of off-key term that needs naming. While I would have pushed for the old lady group to get booted (because they don't have a chance in the world of winning), it was a fair elimination on the part of the judges. And Nicole, WHAT IS WITH THE HAIR?! I can't even listen to her talk, I'm just transfixed by the heinous way her hair blows.

Final thoughts:

This show was a disaster. The judges need to be more harsh, the singers need to pick better songs, the audience needs to boo at the old ladies (it would be good TV, no?) This is a classic case of nice idea-bad execution. Get Nick Lachey off the stage (paging Cat Deeley!) and put on a host that shows human emotion. Kick Nicole and her hair off the judge's table and give the spot to the tragic black girl with the red hair from the last group (she seemed nice). It needs to feel a little more real, you know? It's not good enough to say "that was dope" eight times and then send two groups home. This Sing-Off is going to squeak on by, but it really needs to check it's pitch.

Golden Globe Nominations: Lazy Eyes

Example of things called "comedy":

Today the Golden Globe noms were posted on their website, and it gave me the inspiration to voice some concerns, some wondrously adoring praises, and some "throw my laptop out my window" moments. Do not be alarmed. Only my busboy, Juan, was hurt in the making of this article.

Concerns:

- Why is there no nomination for Dan Byrd (who plays Jule's son on Cougar Town)? In just three words he can leave me crying-on-the-floor laughing. No offense to Neil Patrick Harris (who secured one of the coveted spots), but it belongs to Mr. Byrd.

- I know I've said this before, but what is the fascination behind The Office? It secured itself yet another "Best Comedy" spot over shows like, for instance, Cougar Town or Community or even Ugly Betty. This is wrong when the show is getting as stale as it is. Pack it up, Carell!

- While I don't doubt her talent, I'm not sure than Lea Michele deserves a slot for Best Actress. For one thing, she didn't get enough screen time to be truly considered a "lead." Also, she had bunk material for about half of the season and her character at times was thoroughly unlikable.

- John Hamm is not great. He's fine, he's good. He's not great.

Happy, jittery victories:

- Anything 30 Rock. It's still my favorite show ever. Congrats to Tina, Alec, and the show itself for getting nominated.

- Courtney Cox! YES! I knew that there had to be someone who loved her as much as I did as Jules. Cougar 4eva!

- Even though I haven't seen Nurse Jackie yet, I love me some Edie Falco, so I'm happy she got noticed (how could you not? the woman is a goddess).

- January Jones makes Mad Men what it is. She may not be SNL material (that episode was brutal), but she is perfect for the Grace Kelly-esque role she was cast in.

- I have to admit, House has grown on me. It's schtick that Laurie is doing, but it's good schtick. I am totally fine with him and the show getting their traditional nominations.

- Modern Family got a nod for best comedy! Hooray for non-sexual material! Family values! TV-PG! YAY!

Things that make me want to die inside:

- Matthew Morrison getting a spot on the "Best Actor in a Comedy Series" category. His acting of late has been stage performing at best. The guy needs to stick to Broadway, stat.

- Glee. Glee, Glee, Glee. No Cougar Town, no Desperate Housewives, no Betty. Just Glee. Blech.

- While Modern Family did get noticed, the same cannot be said for any of its cast members. Which is a crying shame.

I think the main problem this year was that everyone just nominated who they thought would win. There were no real surprises, no dark horses coming out of nowhere. Even if (God forbid) 30 Rock got on less nom, it would be nice to see a great yet un-hyped actor get the slot. It just seemed lazy and predictable this time around.

So what were your biggest triumphs/disappointments? Did Glee really deserve all four noms it got?

A Howling Shame

I am going to preface my review with this: I am a Twilight fan-a huge one. I have read each of the books ten times, and I even convinced my Twilight-hating boyfriend to read them: and he loved them. Twilight has been given a bad name by stupid little girls who are too young for its content and by the movies that are (undeservedly) pervading our pop culture. The first movie, Twilight (0.5/10) was abysmal, so I went in to see the sequel with low expectations. (I maintain Stephenie Meyer must be contracted to lie about the movies and say she loves them, no way would she be so OK with her babies being butchered).

New Moon (3/10) was actually much better than its predecessor, so I'll begin my review looking on the bright side. The storyline was actually fairly true to the original book, with very few plot complaints from me (Except for the stupid fight between Edward and the Volturi...that should not have happened. It makes no sense. Him and Alice against a bunch of the Volturi-on their home turf? They'd be ashes by now)-so I'll make the official statement of the superiority of Chris Weitz's direction to Catherine Hardwicke. The settings were accurate. Victoria's hair is finally the red color it's supposed to be. The wolves looked a bit fake, but they were pretty cool-and I enjoyed most of the bits with them, it was comfortable and the way it should be-especially the scene with Emily and Sam. There were also a few good performances from the actors-specifically Laurent (Edi Gathegi), most of the Cullens most of the time (although I still have some reservations about Ashley Greene's portrayal of Alice, and Jackson Rathbone-Jasper-is ridiculously over the top-but at least they finally took care of Rosalie's roots...that was weird last movie), and Michael Sheen was lovely, as always, portraying the whimsical yet devious Aro. Taylor Lautner did a decent job as Jacob-he was quite accurate in my idea of the best friend/werewolf (believe it or not, Jacob actually does take his shirt off that much in the book too), and he definitely looked good in comparison to his co-stars (don't get me wrong though, I don't see any Oscars in his future) . Uh oh, I've mentioned them, guess that means it's on to the negatives...

Robert Pattinson is a crappy Method actor who overdoes everything but still managed to not have one moment of vulnerability in the movie-he always just makes weird faces and speaks in a dramatic (yet bland) tone (which is not as lyrical as it should be). And of course he is ridiculous looking (crooked eyes, weird jaw and chin-which do NOT seem marble but to the contrary are shmooshy-, too much body hair, and weird nipples). He is nothing like the Edward he portrays. Even worse is Kristen Stewart-who is just in a constant state of stoner-playing the same monotonic, blase' character that is herself but is practically the complete opposite of who Bella is! Bella is awkward, emotional, stubborn, and above all vulnerable-a trait that I do not think Stewart is capable of, thusly making me believe she should be shot for crimes against acting. (And I am still furious after reading that in-at least-the first movie she would cut out lines because she found them "corny"-probably robbing us of some of our favorite Edward/Bella moments because she is an arrogant and self-indulgent actor who cannot, in fact, act.) That is all I am going to say about those two ridiculous excuses for actors.

The Volturi were somewhat disappointing-Dakota Fanning as Jane wore way too much eye makeup (she's a vampire, who is supposed to look angelic...not like a goth) and did not possess the sweetness needed to make her malice all the more evil (and Jane's "twin" Alec didn't look like her at all, but I could see how that would be difficult), and although Aro and Marcus were fairly good as the main trio, Jamie Campbell Bower as Caius was ridiculous! Why in heaven's name is he a teenager? The other two are obviously middle aged in appearance, and Bower's baby face was just so out of place and made no sense to me for the cranky royal.

Luckily the human High Schoolers weren't present in the movie long enough to annoy me too much-but for the record: Jessica (Anna Kendrick) and Mike (Michael Welch) were about right, but Angela (Christian Serratos) is supposed to be quiet and shy, not a ridiculous little Jessica clone, and Eric (Justin Chon) is supposed to be nerdy to the max-not the popular(ish) head of a thousand committees.

Honestly, these movies will never be able to actually be good, no matter how closely they follow the books, as long as they keep the two leads. A love story where the main couple shows no real emotion=bad. It's sad because there are some good actors in them, but they only make Pattinson and Stewart look even worse. And if I hear someone blaspheme that those two idiots have any talent, or calling themselves Twilight fans when they've only ever seen the movies-or even if they've read the books but still like the movies-I believe I will go mad. Take it from an actor and a true Twilight fan-the movies are pathetic mutilations of a really fantastic series full of relatable characters and writing that seems so natural that it is completely believable as the thoughts of an 18 year old girl in extraordinary circumstances.

Winning the War

John Mayer "Battle Studies" (7.5/10)

The best and worst thing about John Mayer is that he never stays in the same place for long. He rapidly climbed the maturity tree of music, producing a jazz-rock record (Continuum) a scant five years after his folk-pop debut (Room for Squares.) Although I might be the only person who feels this way, I liked the old Mayer better than his pompous "Waiting on the World to Change" new persona. The silly kid who once talked about bodies being wonderlands and his stupid mouth was gone, replaced by a man who wanted to be the singer/songwriter equivalent to Herbie Hancock.

So I might be the only person who was ecstatic to hear him return to his roots on his fourth album "Battle Studies." The CD begins with one of the best songs of his career "Hearbreak Warfare." It's somewhat emotionless, somewhat tuneless, but the lyrics and production come across in such a profound way that emotion is rendered irrelevant. This is more than the standard "Love is a Battlefield" type of song (and album). It really puts you in the midst of combat to provoke hard-hitting images.

After the knock-out first track, the album kind of takes a break from having quality material to deliver the throughly filler-like song "All We Ever Do is Say Goodbye" and the waste of a "duet" with Taylor Swift "Half of My Heart" (in which she sings one line of lyric). Both of these stink of missed opportunity, weakening "Battle Studies" when it should have gone guns a-blazin'.

Thankfully, that's about as bad as it gets on this record. Mayer follows up those two disappointments with my favorite song of his ever, "Who Says." Yes, it may be about having casual sex and smoking weed, but who cares? It's a perfect forum for John's quirky humor, and it works on almost every level.

From there, Mayer blends his jazz sound with his earlier work seamlessly, creating cool little tunes that reverberate in the mind. It should be of special mention that he incorporates the war/battle metaphor into every other one of the tracks, making it seem more conceptual than it actually is. Standouts include "Assassin" (which is just about as epic as one of his songs gets) and the finale "Friends, Lovers, or Nothing," which really feels like it ties the CD as a whole into a nice, if slightly frayed, bow. This album comes recommended to anyone who liked any of Mayer's first three offerings, and to anyone who just likes to be told love is hard.

Wainwright Kin and Wonder Twins

Lucy Wainwright Roche "8 Songs" (7/10)

Throughout the years, the Wainwrights have had much success in the indie music business. Louden was a world-renowned songwriter in the 80s, and his children Rufus and Martha followed suit, making some of the most interesting and unique albums of the last decade. Even though the newest member of the family, Lucy, might only be a half-sibling to the twosome, she continues the tradition of great Wainwright CDs.

More often than not on the self-explanatory "8 Songs," Lucy uses her voice like a cannon, emphasizing every note as if it is the last she'll ever sing. While initially pleasant, this can wear upon the listener after several spins. It doesn't help that it's clear as a bell when she uses it in this manner, as it feels more like an attack upon the ear than a sweet lullaby. There are exceptions to this rule, as she demonstrates on "The Next Best Western," where at times she barely sings over a whisper.

As for the songwriting, it is simply exquisite. In typical folkie tradition, she uses little (or no, in the beautiful case of B. Allen) instrumentation and lets the words speak for themselves. Several covers are present here, from a traditional English ballad (Wild Mountain Thyme) to Fleetwood Mac (Everywhere). These do not differ in quality from her original compositions, which gives the CD a feeling of coherency and clarity.

It would be wise to give this little EP a listen if you like any type of traditional stripped-down music. While she can be a bit bombastic (as much as a folk artist can be), it really is a wonderful set of songs that will brighten your day.

Tegan and Sara "Sainthood" (9/10)

In the last 10 years, the Canadian group Tegan and Sara have flown under the radar in the realm of pop music. It's not for lack of a hook: lesbian twins? Hollywood eats that crap UP. But they reached beyond what could be a serious gimmick (see: Jason and deMarco) to bring us some of the best indie-pop of the new century. Their last album, "The Con" was very dark and J-pop influenced, making for unique quasi-hits like "Back in Your Head." They had hit a plateau of brilliance and no one thought they could match it.

Thankfully, the girls agreed. Which is why they took a step back on their fifth studio release and decided to make fun, frolicy, under 3-minute pop ditties. While there is some dose of art consciousness on "Sainthood," they never move away from the hooks and finger-snapping lyrics that they have made their primary goal. For instance, "Alligator," with it's xylophone and electronic production, is a lesson in a great, light, catchy tune. This is a standout on the record, but it doesn't end there. The opening track, "Arrow," and the first single "Hell" follow the same doodley blueprint.

Like I said before, the CD is not without a measure of sophistication. "The Cure" and "Wrists" in particular showcase the duo's aptitude for taking lyrical risks and succeeding every time. The album lags just for a short spell at the end, but that barely matters when the material is as fresh and interesting as this.

Glee Finale Recap: Lights, Camera, Macktion?

Glee "Sectionals" (8.5/10)

Miracles happen every day, my friends. Sometimes women lift cars to rescue children, sometimes the Cincinnati Cardinals win a baseball game (my first sports reference! Dan Rather, eat your heart out). Sometimes, even more shockingly, Glee comes up with a terrific episode that bolsters my confidence for the second half of the season.

The road to the sectionals (which is the title of the DVD set, by "pure" coincidence) was not without its pitfalls. To pick a glaring example, there were times when certain stories were MIA for two or three episodes at a time. But I decided, as I clicked "Watch Live TV" on my Tivo screen, that I was going to watch this finale as if I knew what had happened, but not how it did. And the result was astounding. By depriving myself of any prejudices about blunders past, it helped me to enjoy what was a very successful follow-through on what had been promised in the pilot.

But first I have to complain for a skinny minute about a few minor grievances the show committed tonight. I'll list them as they are in my notes.

The Bad Things:

- The suspicion = knowledge plot point at the beginning had me reeling on the ground in abject horror. Thank God the episode got better from there.

- The pedophilia coming from one of the judge's ("Those girls shook it in all the right places") was not as funny as the producers intended.

- What in the name of all that is camp was Mercedes wearing during her rendition of "And I'm Telling You..."? I'm not a fashion critic, but that top was FUG.

- What was with the size of the trophy? They make that for a competition between three teams who didn't have to even compete in a qualifying round? It just didn't jive logically.

- Why did the ghetto school steal the wheelchair thing? That only makes sense when the McKinnley high students did it. When the black kids preformed like that, it would have appeared to be totally out of the blue and without context.

Anyway, like I said, these are relatively minor complaints. Now we shall move on to...

The Good Things:

- The episode had a distinctly satisfying conclusion. Even though everyone knew what was coming, Jayma May's incredible acting made it seem unpredictable and magical.

- I was totally wrong about Amber Riley's version of "And I'm Telling You..." It was great. And, like Lea Michele's later song "Don't Rain on My Parade" (my personal pick for best performance of the season) it didn't sound produced or studio-ized.

- I stand by my critique of the Kelly Clarkson song, but it the "You Can't Always Get What You Want" number had me smiling throughout the whole thing.

- Just like last week, the reveal of Quinn's baby's father's (that's a lot of possessive forms, peeps!) identity was done very organically. Diana Agathon really got to show off her acting chops tonight.

- I guess this was a girls' episode, because Jane Lynch, while not bitingly funny like she usually is, was in top shape dramatically. Her spot-on delivery of the rapid-fire dialogue didn't even make me think about the cliches that were pouring out her mouth (until just now.) The woman surpassed Matthew Morrison's feeble acting in every single scene, and she should be commended for that.

- The judge's panel (apart from the statutory rape hiccup) was very funny and very well done. In an episode that wasn't banking on the humor, it was a nice relief.

- It was nice to see Will and Emma hit it off, but it was equally nice to see Rachel and Finn NOT get together. It would have been a cheese overload, and it was a great call on the part of the producers.

Final Thoughts:

Glee certainly didn't bring it this season like I wanted it to. The baby subplots got old fast, the romance was a episode-by-episode affair, and the illogical reasons for things wore thin by the seventh installment. Nonetheless, I am still intrigued by what could have been a train-wreck finale, and was turned into a great show. With Terri out of Will's life (for now) and with all the secrets revealed, maybe the wait until April will give the writers time to find the magic again. And if they do, this could turn out to be a great show after all.

Gleeicide

"Glee: The Music Vol. 2" (2/10)

When the first Glee album came out about a month and a half ago, I thought it was a halfway decent attempt at turning pop music into musical numbers. It had some very good songs on it (mostly supplied by Kristin Chenoweth) and some promising performances (sans anything Matthew Morrison.)

This is not so with the second go-around. Frankly, this CD sucks. Everything on it (except for one song) is either a pale imitation of the original or a total bore. Corey and Lea, you two fumbled badly on Imagine. Matthew, while you had better selections than "The Thong Song" this time, you still weren't convincing or interesting. Amber Riley, you are not Jennifer Hudson, Beyonce, or any other diva you embarrassingly try to impersonate. I never want to hear anyone but Ms. Hudson (or Jennifer Holiday) sing "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going." Have a word with the producers, babe. Get some less predictable material.

One of the things I find perplexing is their obsessive need to make so many songs group numbers thrown in without context. For instance, if Diana Agathon's "Crush" had some sort of story to go with it, it could have been a legitimate hit. But because it just sits there, it gives the unmistakable oder of so-so karaoke. That is one of my main beefs with the music and the show itself: they don't NEED to have these random songs tossed in. Pull a "Busting Windows" again and have a true musical experience. Do they really think that people will care when the show is barely grounded in reality already?

The one song that gets a thumbs up from me (and salvages the album from a "1/10" rating) is Lea Michele's version of "Don't Rain on My Parade." She soars on this track, and while that is no surprise, it is still a welcome break from dry-as-toast numbers like "True Colors."

Special mention should also go to all the cast members that participated in the Glee rendition of "My Life Would Suck Without You." Guys, that was ear-wrenchingly terrible. Why Kelly gave you that song, I will never know. She is probably dying a little inside as she hears the traumatic way it sounds like an ugly twin of her version. Never ever ever do that to a wonderful icon of pop music. Also, stop putting Jayma Mays on the cover if she doesn't sing a note on the actual CD. That is just common courtesy.

In short, do not buy this. Do not download it. Make like "Old Yeller" and shoot it while it's foaming at the mouth. Maybe in another year, Glee will succeed in putting out a decent album, but based on this offering, I wouldn't hold my breath.

Rewind Sunday: Dashboard Confessional

Dashboard Confessional "The Swiss Army Romance" (Then: 7/10 Now: 9.5/10) Released: 2000

When Chris Carrabba hit the scene in the late 90s, he was just a symptom of a growing revolution in the country: whiney teenagers. Not that that's a bad thing, as the whiney among us have produced some of the best teen movies/television/music in the last 20 years. Many say that Carrabba eventually towed the line of believability with his teen angst, and I would have to agree. But for this release, The Swiss Army Romance, he was at least still in his twenties, producing some believable and quite soulful music.

It starts off with the best song Carrabba has ever written, "Screaming Infidelities." It is jarring in a good way, building up emotion each time he utters a previously sung line. Back then this was a pretty common occurrence, what with bands like Simple Plan and Blink 182 dominating the charts. But in this day and age, when music has become about production and electronics, it is exceedingly refreshing to go back to a time when it was just a boy and his guitar.

From there the album becomes a hit or miss affair, mostly being the former. "Living in Your Letters," the title track, and "Again I Go Unnoticed" all live up to the expectations of "Screaming," while "Turpentine Chaser" and "Age Six Racer" fall a little flat. Around the center of the CD, a song comes along that really shows what Chris is capable of. "A Plain Morning" is surprisingly angst-free, sounding a bit like a Bob Dylan or Carole King cover song. The lilting female back up vocals combine with Carrabba's to weave a wonderful duet of sorts that takes the listener to fields where the sun is just about to rise. It is a beautiful tribute to the height of Dashboard's popularity.

This is simply a great collection of songs. There are some that can feel repetitive when compared to others, but that is to be expected from a mostly acoustic band. So take another look and remember the days when music was simpler.

Download this: Screaming Infidelities, A Plain Morning, Living in Your Letters

Glee Recap: Lea-Lovin'

Glee "Mattress" (6/10)

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl with a beautiful voice. She lived in a land called Broadway and sang for the joy of the American people. Then one day, as soon as it had come, it was gone. The girl left the street that had brought her joy, and she was exiled to a place that auto-tuned her voice and made her character unlikable. The evil writers strung her up and had her sing, then changed it into garbage for their own amusement. But, one day, the girl said "Screw this" and decided to rise above the petty and illogical writing, the awful mutilation of her voice, and her weak-vocally-and-acting-wise partner to produce television magic. And it was known throughout the world as the day Lea Michele saved Glee.

Okay, so that might be overkill, but there was still not a lot to latch on to in this episode. Oh no, they draw on Finn's face with marker! Oh no, Emma is still going to marry the fat dude (am I the only one who thought that already happened?)! Oh no, the quick-fire recap was rendered useless by the amount of material! Oh no, Matthew Morrison is starting to reveal that he's not that good of an actor! But, even through all that, Ms. Michele gave her best performance to date as Rachel Berry. So I'm dedicating this recap to all the GOOD things that happened at McKinnley High this week.

- While the auto-tune was as tragic as ever, the lip-synching was mostly on point.

- Apart from the cheesy "I WILL talk to Figgins!" declaration from Will, the first scene was well-shot, well-written, and show-cased Jane Lynch's deadpan comedy nicely. The line about her not needing tear ducts actually got a chuckle from me. Between that, Sue's corner, and her comments to Quinn, this was a great episode for Lynch.

- Rachel singing Smile might have been drastically over-produced, but it was still enjoyable and fun to watch/hear. Again, kudos to Lea for making the best out of a bunk situation.

- Getting to the commercial was much less forced than plots in episodes past.

- If you take the mattress scene at face value, it was a pretty awesome musical number. The choreography and such was done very well. Even though I wish they hadn't given the exposition about "performing" (as if they could learn all that in fifteen minutes) it was a solid "movie musical" song.

- The way Will found out about Terri's non-pregnancy was totally legit. I expected some big soap opera moment where she told someone who told someone who told him, but this was a very pleasant surprise. And strangely enough, the scene where he confronts his wife is a much better vehicle for her. Gilsig is a powerful actress, and this plot point showed just how incredible she is. This scene was also logical and well-thought out.

- I'm not sure why the company would pay them in mattresses, but it sure made for a convenient segue.

- We got a Big Bang Theory cross-over with the photographer!

All in all, this was a decent hour of television. Which means it was a huge comeback from the last two weeks. Here's hoping Glee can continue this ascension into the mid-season finale.

Rewind Sunday: Damien Rice

Damien Rice "O" (Then: 10/10 Now: 10/10)

It's hard to pin down what to say about Damien Rice's incredible concept piece, O. From the name (which I thought was "Zero" instead of the letter for a few months) to the lilting vocals and the extraordinary songwriting, Rice hit it out of the park with this 2003 release.

The first time I heard the opening song ("Delicate") I thought, "Well, it's great, but there's no way he can match it." So many songwriters put their heart and soul into one number, then just use the other 9-12 as filler so they can make an album. A big offender in this area has to be Lily Allen on her first CD. "Smile" was a great song with fun lyrics and a catchy beat, but the rest just kind of paled in comparison.

But there is no coasting to be found on O. To the contrary, Rice creates a perfect bell curve of emotion. The beginning starts off great, the middle becomes unbelievable, then the end kind of shifts back down to great again. Songs like "Older Chests" and "Amie" are the most intimate pieces, the latter sounding like U2 in their prime. The haunting finale is also worth a mention, putting in not one, but two bonus tracks after the last song has faded away.

Of course it wouldn't be right not to give substantial credit to Rice's vocal partner, Lisa Hannigan, who guest sings on more than half the songs. Usually it's just backup, but occasionally she does a full-on duet with Damien. She even solos on the very last song, an a cappella re-tooling of Silent Night. This has to be one of the most ludicrously gorgeous covers in the history of music.

The best part: the entire thing is utterly timeless. It could be from the early nineties, it could be alongside Carol King in the record shop. That's the thing about Damien Rice: he proves that awesome songs transcend age. By putting so little production on them, he avoids the "in the moment" pitfall ninety percent of artists fall into.

O is simply one of the best full albums I have ever heard. Every song is like a gift from Rice himself, wrapped in strings and flutes and sensitivity, making it a definite buy for music lovers everywhere.

Glee Recap: Deaf, Dumb, and Blind

Glee "Hairography" (3/10)

When I watched the eighth episode of this "beloved" series (Mash-up), I declared it was the worst hour of television I had ever seen. Well, now Glee is giving that steaming pile of horse crap a run for its money. The show committed many offenses this week, five of which I will be calling forward. Let's go in order of most to least bothersome.

1. Jane Lynch is being used as if she is a freaking extra. The woman gets no screen time anymore, apparently preferring to come on, spout a couple (iffy) one liners, then fade into the background. It's a bad use of the character and the actress. On the other hand, again recalling Mash-up, she really didn't do well when she got her own story line. Still, if Lynch is looking to snag an Emmy nomination, she better darn well put more time in front of a camera.

2. The stereotypes are driving me to the point of exhaustion. Kurt is a caricature, his only purpose being his sexuality. Do you think the writers ever intend for him to have a relationship on the show? Because I'm starting to doubt it. Also, the "token hood school" introduced us right off the bat to two offensive black characters. Did Eve even read the script before she decided to be on this episode? "We might be thieves and arsonists, but we never cheat." Seriously? Apart from Mercedes, this is the first African American with a decent part on the show, and we turn her into a white-pride wet dream? Ugh.

3. The story lines episode to episode are either illogical or unneeded. Quinn tried to make it work with Puck... and failed. Kurt still harbored feelings for Finn.... and didn't really do anything about it. Rachel and Finn almost hooked up.... but then he liked the way she looked BEFORE. Quinn wanted to keep the baby....but then decided to give it up again. Nothing happened! It was a stagnant, static episode with no real plot development. As if this wasn't bad enough, the story points leading up to the skirmish require giant leaps of faith. Will thinks that Sue might have leaked his plays, so he confronts a random school, who randomly decided to do random randomness. WHAT IS GOING ON?! And did anyone else find it weird that in the first competition only one team performed? The ideas for musical numbers are getting old.

4. The deaf kids singing Imagine made me want to curl up and die. Enough said.

5. The best song in the episode was Quinn singing Papa Don't Preach (suddenly a lullaby?), which was beautiful and (possibly?) without studio manipulation. Then she gets totally cut off at the knees by the producers making the song about 70 seconds long. Really? We get four minutes of some heinous, auto-tuned version of Imagine while that wonderful rendition gets about as much time as Rachel's whore-over?

Am I crazy for being fascinated with the hot mess this show has become? I don't miss an episode, even though I hate it to my very core. It's like hairography itself: flashy, catchy, but ultimately a distraction.

All that Glitters is not Old

Adam Lambert "For Your Entertainment" (8/10)

Disclaimer: I'm going to attempt to review Mr. Lambert's album without any mention of the AMAs and his polarizing performance there. I personally enjoyed it, but I can see why people didn't. That is all I will say on the subject.

When Adam was on American Idol, his greatest achievements were the opposite of what you would think. The glam rocker of the eighth season's rhinestones never shone brighter than when he was on stripped-down numbers. Mad World, A Change is Gonna Come, and Tracks of My Tears were undoubtably his best moments on the show.

There is little to none of that here. The problem with his up-tempo songs on Idol was the material. Pieces like "Play that Funky Music" and "Born to Be Wild" will always be stuck in karaoke land. He might have injected a bit of originality into them, but not enough to make these "follow the bouncing ball" standards sound like anything but what they were. However, on "For Your Entertainment," the faster songs are the ones that truly show his personality. "Strut," "Whataya Want From Me," "Music Again," and the title track all show that he's got guts to go along with glory.

While those four songs pack a needed punch in the album's opening, "FYE" never really takes a dip in quality, apart from the generic filler track "Sure Fire Winners." "Soaked" is a cleverly written ballad penned by the mind behind British rock band Muse. It has the untraditional (the Middle-Eastern strings section in the beginning) combined with traditional (the way the song amps up into the final chorus) in a cool and intriguing addition to the CD. Similarly brilliant is "Sleepwalker," where Adam plays the part of a man so obsessed he can't sleep. The atmospheric tension combines with his erethral vocals for fantastic results.

The entire record is worth purchasing. It's so rare to find a brand of "different" pop, and to find it from an American Idol contestant is even more distinct. Kudos to Adam for staying true to who he is. Like the man himself said, he's here for your entertainment.

Download this: Whataya Want From Me, Soaked, Sleepwalker

Losing Its Teeth

--Spoilers Alert!--

First of all, I am a fan of The Vampire Diaries (6/10), and really, vampires in general. This show following the vampire Salvatore brothers and the grief-stricken orphan Elena, began the season on a high note-I was hooked immediately. A witch best friend? History references? A sexy good vampire, Stefan, and his (also sexy) seemingly evil brother, Damon? A sweet love story that seems to be destined? Be still my beating heart!


However, the last few episodes have been falling short of my expectations. The story line has mostly been solid, and the characters are still (mostly) lovable and charming. The main problem also happens to be (in my opinion) the main part of the story: Stefan and Elena's relationship. At first their budding romance was sweet and my heart held on to them, week to week. Then-the annoyances began. After Stefan "came out" as a vampire he and Elena began the classically aggravating "I can't do this."-"I think we can be together"-"I can't do this!"--Elena worrying about being in a relationship with a vampire, then when she came around (for the second time) Stefan decided he was too dangerous for her. Ugh.


The last episode-The Turning Point-seemed like it may have been a reprieve! At last, the couple this show centers around will stop their whining and be together! Elena's confession of love put a stop to Stefan's self sacrifice and the two had a passionate scene-culminating in what looked like wonderful sex :). But just when I was giddy with joy, watching them cuddle in the afterglow-stupid Stefan went to get Elena a drink and left her alone in his room to find a picture of Katherine (the vampire who turned him during the Civil War)-who happens to be a mirror image of her. Stefan returned to find his room empty-and then we had one of those wonderful cliff hangers that we all love. *sigh* I'm holding out hope that The Vampire Diaries will redeem itself-the twinkle in Damon's eye will continue to make me hold on. Really I'd give the ranking for the first half of the season thus far an (8/10) and these last few episodes (4/10)- (the plot has been going a little ADD lately too), so let's see if we can redouble our efforts, c'mon Vampires!!!!

American Idol: Top Ten Performances of All Time

So I recently watched some musical performances on YouTube sung during the eight season course of American Idol and I wanted to write about it. I thought, "What better way than to blog it?!" So here we go, the ten best Idol performances I have seen (barring the first and second seasons, as I have not had the pleasure of viewing them.)

10. Blake Lewis "You Give Love a Bad Name"- Blake was a trailblazer for American Idol for many reasons. A beat-boxer who sang incredibly well, he infused the sixth season of my beloved show with a uniqueness that was MIA that year. In an four month story-arc filled with Lakisha, Melinda, and Jordin belting out the same old perfect melodies, Blake (and his adorable outfits) lit up the stage with his personality. You Give Love a Bad Name was arguably his most risky performance, and it propelled him into the top 2. With it's four straight measures of boxing, it's decidedly un-Bon Jovi melody, and his rampant charisma, he worked it out and gave us the most exciting song of season 6.

9. Melinda Doolittle "My Funny Valentine"- I was going to give Constantine Maroulis the MVP on this song, but I recently watched both performances back to back, and Mindy Doo is clearly the belle of the ball when it comes to humorous lovers. The woman broke it DOWN and sang with such a gusto and bravado, something we never really saw again. The infusions of "who, MEEE? I'm a good singer?!" were gone for the night, and the girl made mince meat out of the Rodgers and Hart number.

8. Carrie Underwood "Alone"- While I did not want Carrie to win (Vonzell Soloman's quirky goodness was far more my taste), I cannot fault her for her song choice in Heart's "Alone." Since she conquered the stage with that vocal, contestants have been trying unsuccessfully to match it. You know if Carly Smithson's version sounds bad by comparison, you have an incredible notch in the Idol wall of fame.

7. David Cook "Billie Jean"- Simultaneously enraging and engaging the American public, the proclaimed "rocker" of the seventh season kicked ass with this re-done version of a Michael Jackson classic. Some (drama queeny) people got upset that he used a cover song to base his off of, but he none the less rocked it out with style. Chris Cornell himself could not do a better job making this song into a sexy power ballad. Covering the cover is hard enough, but to outshine both versions is a real feat.

6. Jason Castro "Hallelujah"- Some dub the seventh season of American Idol as "Artist Idol" because musicians were allowed to play instruments for the first time. This was none more true than with Jason Castro, who was as Anti-Idol as you can get. With his pretty but flimsy voice, he charmed the hearts of America and placed fourth. This was due in large part to his amazing semi-final take on Hallelujah. With tears in his eyes and a crack in his vocal, he got a "brilliant" rating from Mr. Cowell and a safe passage to the top 12. Hallelujah indeed.

5. Allison Iraheta "Someone to Watch Over Me"- This was the most moving performance from the teenager I have ever seen on the show. I teared up when her voice broke on the line "Although he's not the man some/girls think of as handsome." The designated rocker chick gave the old-timey number a youthful energy and passion. She simply OWNED Rat Pack week, and even more so for suffering through that shitty critique from Simon that she was "robotic in parts." Screw you, Mr. Cowell. Without you, she would have sailed through to the top three. Then we wouldn't have had Danny Gokey (aka, "ghoulish widower") singing "Dream On" as if it was a White Stripes song. Ugh. (Yes, I am still bitter.)

4. Katharine Mcphee "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"- Kat was not my favorite during Idol's consistent yet tedious fifth season, but her Simon-picked song choice of "Rainbow" turned out to be her best on the show. Even though Jason Castro covered a better version of the classic in season 7, there is no way anyone will be able to match the raw power that Mcphee inspired. I remember downloading the song as soon as it came out and listening to it over thirty times in one night. Down with Hicks! Long live Mcpheever!

3. Carly Smithson "Here You Come Again"- Not many people will remember this smoldering ballad from Ms. Ireland 2008, but it is more than worth a mention. She took Dolly Parton's mid-tempo song and changed it up to be slow and delicate, producing an immaculate performance that, in my opinion, exceeded anything else for that season. Her voice soared over the verses, and built up into that final, incredible glory note at the end. America got it wrong sending this one home so early.

2. Adam Lambert "Mad World"- The One Who Occasionally Sounds Like a Wounded Cat came out on the dreary "Year You Were Born" week and ran DVR schedules over the time limit all across the country. He got a standing ovation by Simon (rare), a proclamation of him "definitely being in the finals" (less rare), and a walloping 42% of the vote (according to Idol experts) on a night with 8 people singing. He finally showed his true colors (the primary one obviously being blue) and didn't seem as if he was acting. This, unfortunately, was not true of the vampire-y encore in the finale, which might be part of the reason he only achieved runner up status. But, icy lighting and all, Adam really blew this song out of the water (okay, enough blue puns) and, in doing so, pretty much ordered America to advance him straight to the finals. Don't pass Go. Don't collect 200 bizarre critiques.

1. Fantasia Barrino "Summertime"- This undoubtably marks the longest I have cried over an Idol vocal (and I was fourteen, folks!) Fantasia took her soul and threw it on the stage, making contenders like LaToya London and Diana Degarmo (not to mention the awful Jasmine Trias) quake in their boots. It was perfection. It was immaculate. It had the Dawg standing up on his paws and shouting about it being the best 90 seconds the show had ever seen. In that moment, ladies and gentlemen, a star was born.

Glee Recap: Obsessive-Repulsive

Glee "Ballads" (4/10)

Spoiler Alert: Do not read this recap unless you have seen the entirety of Glee episode 1.10

This show is driving me crazy with its inane plot lines. Sure, it was fun at first; Mercedes not knowing Kurt was gay (well that friendship's gone *poof* hasn't it?), Will's wife hiding her non-pregnancy (another story left out of the equation of late), Jane Lynch's obsession with taking Will down. But Glee is like a hyper kid off of his ADD medication, it never sticks to a story. What I assumed to be a serial show has lately been diving into the unfortunate waters of week-to-week storytelling. This is no bueno.

Let's start with what I did like about "Ballads." This week marked the welcome return of Jayma May's Emma Pillsbury. As always, Mays lit up the screen with a glow that is too rare on television these days. It also gave Sarah Drew (Everwood) a hilarious guest spot as Suzy Pepper. It's a little far-fetched that Drew is still playing a high school student (and that they made her cover her gorgeous face with ghastly makeup) but it was still a cool shout out to her fans.

It was also nice to see the Kurt/Finn story take another step forward. This had been hinted at in earlier episodes, and it turned awkward comedy into something really interesting and funny. I just wish the writers would work a little harder on the NON-Kurt specific story arcs.

However, I will now list five things about this episode that made me either cringe, frown, or want to curl up in a ball and die:

1. The "I'll Stand By You" scene. Finn's voice is not pleasing to the ears, and, even through electronic mutilation (not a typo), it has never reached the heights of what it was during "Don't Stop Believing." Also, the clunky line explaining Kurt's piano skills was nothing compared to the inexplicable way Finn knew all the words to the song. And why was there no viable lie he could tell his mother when it came to the sonogram? School project? Curiosity? WTF?

2. Suzy Pepper's story did not have a funny ending like it was meant to. In fact, I was feeling the same way I do when I see a mentally challenged person sing on Idol. It's just sad, not humorous.

3. HEINOUS LIP-SYNCHING BE DAMNED! Sorry, I had the caps lock on, but now that I look at it, that is the perfect format to put such a strong sentiment in. Will and Rachel, you were both Broadway actors! Why can't the producers let you just sing? Maybe then it wouldn't sound like the Kidz Bop albums or a second-rate cover band doing karaoke at a late-night bar. The reasons for injecting pop-Broadway numbers into the episodes are also starting to wear thin. It's a musical! They don't need a cheesy reason (like trying to tell someone to back off, seriously, WTF?) to sing! Although Emma's reaction to Will's singing was one of the few good things that came out of it.

4. Puck's been keeping a secret for 9 episodes and Mercedes is the first person he blabs to? I mean, it's not as if he hasn't expressed his emotions to Quinn, it's not like they're bottled up inside. It was just a manufactured way to make drama amongst the group, which is feeling more and more fractured.

5. Rachel liking Will just made for a crappy one-episode plot device. Again, it was forced, it was cheesy, it was cliche. It. Was. BAD!

This episode sucked. Besides the very sweet and funny Kurt and Finn story, it had little to nothing going for it. I hope the writer's can dig themselves out of this hole they've created, or this show is going to be swallowed up by stupidity faster than you can say "too many baby lies."

Rewind Sunday: Ashlee Simpson & Jason Mraz

Each Sunday I'll (try to) review one or two albums that are at least five years old. While it will hold the same content as a regular post, I'll also be looking at whether it holds up to music today. I'm going to kick it off with a good one and a stinker (hint, look at the title. It's the opposite of what you think.)

Ashlee Simpson "Autobiography," released 2004 (Then: 4/10, Now: 7.5/10)

When Ms. Simpson burst onto the scene (and I do mean "burst," as her debut went platinum in a week), it was widely thought that she had little to no talent. Then we had the incident from SNL, the Rose Bowl, and other "hiccups" where the woman couldn't seem to get a break. Was it really deserved; is she really fit to hold the title of "worst pop star of all time?"

In my humble (or not) opinion, no. No, no, and no. Looking back, Ashlee was the Miley Cyrus of the mid-decade pop scene. She had good (if not fantastic) music, a decent voice, and, HELLO, she wrote or co-wrote each and every one of her songs. Not even Miss Party in the USA can say that. Simpson let the public's scorn get the better of her, however, and failed to deliver any solid hits after her first record.

Kind of like Avril with more personality and grit, Ashlee kicks off Autobiography with a quadruple punch of awesome pop-rock tunes. Pieces of Me may have been over-played in 2004, but it's still surprisingly relevant. Lala is pure trashy fun, and Shadow is a wildly emotional ballad about being the opposite of her sister (mission accomplished.) But the true power here lies in the opening number, which shares a title with the album. "Got stains on my t-shirt, I'm the biggest flirt, right now I'm solo but that will be changing eventually." These lyrics aren't Shakespeare, but, manufactured or not, they sound real. Which is more than big sis Jessica could ever say.

It gets a little bumpy from there on. Love Makes the World Go Round is cliche, but Better Off makes use of it's generic flavors to produce a fun mid-tempo groove. Unfortunately, the last six songs kind of peter off into "forgettable land," with the exception of the finale, Undiscovered. I'm a sucker for "last songs on the album" because they're usually the climax of emotion. Simpson doesn't disappoint, giving her best vocal and rawest look at her life.

All in all, this CD is worth going back to, if only to see what she could have been. Now expelled from her TV debut, I can't help but feel sorry for her. But as she says in one memorable line, it's easy to determine the pieces of her in this strong debut.

Jason Mraz "Waiting for My Rocket to Come" released 2002 (Then: 7/10, Now: 3.5/10)

While Simpson went on to make creative failures, Jason Mraz has recorded two albums since his first effort that surpass the original. I'm sure back in 2002, this was an achievement: the coffee house singer/songwriter goes on to land a major label deal. But now, with Hotel Cafe becoming so popular, we have all the Colbie Calliats and Joshua Radins that we need. And Mraz noticed that, as he drastically changed his style for both his sophomore and junior records. But here, before I'm Yours and Geek in the Pink, he sounds so generic. It makes for an uncomfortable listening experience, to be honest.

His "thing" has always been live performances. That is why he just released his fourth live album, because he is more energized and lucid in person than in a studio. As time went on, he learned how to adapt to make two unique sounds: one that could be fun after it was produced, and one that could be fun with no production at all. This is why his live shows are drastically rearranged, to give him the freedom to push the limits.

In 2002, though, it just sounds weird. He is drained of all emotion, making even high-energy numbers like The Remedy sound like a bowl of Bran Flakes. Robbed of the audience interaction that made tracks like Sleep All Day and Absolutely Zero fun, they lose all their pizzaz.

This CD has stuff to offer, just not anything close to his live stuff or his newer studio offerings. Frankly, there is better coffee house material than this. A lot of it. So, I'm sorry Jason, but this gets a solid "Don't Look Back" rating.

Rage, Repetition, and Renewal: A Rihanna Reverie. Really.

Rihanna "Rated R" (4.5/10)

I have very polarizing feelings about this new offering from the less and less tropical pop singer. I thought it was practically impossible for Rihanna, a woman I held in little regard, to surprise me. And for six tracks, I thought I was correct in that assumption. But... then something happened. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Here's a little bit of exposition detailing my prior feelings about Ms. Caribbean USA:

I dislike her immensely. Then she comes out with a tune that I really like. She has two really good songs ("If It's Lovin' That You Want" and "Disturbia") and a few better-than average ones. That's about it: I like her and hate her at the same time.

The good/bad news is this: my feelings towards Ms. Rihanna have not really changed. I was uncharacteristically psyched to hear "Rated R," the reason being that she actually went through a traumatizing situation. While that is not good news for her, creative intent favors the unfortunate. When Kelly Clarkson had a bad year, she sat down and penned fourteen songs, making an awesome album of classic-grrl-rock-soul. No one thought she had the capabilities, but the woman pulled it off. If an American Idol winner can do it over a record label dispute, it stood to reason a genuine pop sensation could after a domestic violence situation.

Which is, as a matter of fact, Rated R's main flaw. The first five songs (and the ridiculous intro) are exactly what one would expect after ChrisBrown-gate went down: pulsating beats, slow delivery, and faux-angst.

The low-point of this first half has to be "Rockstar 101" (offered at your local community college!), where Rihanna tries to convincingly muster up the ego to pronounce "Baby, I'm a rockstar." (Oh yeah, and Slash makes an appearance playing lead guitar to a melody an eighth grader could learn.) I half expected an echo of "No, you're not!" each time she made that ludicrous statement.

Another issue with the first batch of tracks is the amount of brutal swearing the singer spews. In her mind, the equation must look like this: Fuck + bitch + damn = anger. Unfortunately, it just comes across as a pathetic attempt to seem "edgy" or "unpredictable." Rihanna, honey, it's not effective if you sound like a five year old who just learned a dirty word.

The one bright spot (ironically) is the mopey first single "Russian Roulette."

We interrupt this blog post to inform the artist that this title is a blatant rip-off of another over-rated pop icon who used the phrase in a very recent hit. And the cover art is disgusting. We now return you to your regularly scheduled rant.

Anyway, the song is everything the first four should have been. It's pain incarnate. She really sounds like she might jump off a bridge. Success!

I was about to give up on the CD entirely when something strange happened. A guitar rift emanated from my speakers, and suddenly, there was sunlight. Like a break in the cloudy gloom in front of it, a piano-intro plays like a self-empowerment mantra until it spills into a fiery chorus, aptly titled "Fire Bomb." The vocals no longer sound like a deflated balloon, and Rihanna fills the number with a passion that is sorely missing from the previous (and following) songs. If I was reviewing this as a single, it would get a straight 10.

Continuing on her roll, the record moves into "Rude Boy" and "Photographs." The former is an enjoyable kiss-off to a despicable lover. Like very few other songs she's done recently, it's fun with a capital F. That f can also stand for "f-bomb" which she drops yet again in the second verse. She would be loads of fun as a guest on the View, that's all I can say. The latter is a nice ballad with an deal-breaking guest spot from Will.i.am's computerized voice. Ugh.

G4L and Cold Case Love are not even worth a mention (hint: one is mostly about guns, the other is plain dullsville), so instead I'll focus on a shining moment on the album, "Te Amo." Upon listening to it five (okay, 7. Fine, 10!) times I have to say, this is the most likely candidate for third single. It works on almost every level. Get ready to hate it for being overplayed! I actually had a morbid pang of fear as I saw the title of this one. My brain screamed "Bad attempt at Latin pop with botched Spanish lyrics!" For once (or twice, MAYBE) I was wrong. This is a weirdly addicting little tune which gives the details of a close (lesbian, scandalé!) encounter Rihanna has with a Spanish speaking woman. Apart from the pop star not knowing what "Te Amo" means (you're from Barbados! For shame!), it plays like a sultry version of "I Kissed a Girl."

The cliche title for "The Last Song" does not do this beautiful ballad justice. Predictable yet lovely, it starts stripped down and crescendos marvelously into a title wave of emotion. Again, this would have been a great substitute for one of the earlier songs.

In short, this album is good, bad, and everything in between. It's predictable, shocking, and a mixture of both. I can't say definitively whether I enjoyed the whole experience or not. It's like a popular roller coaster: you have to wait for it, but eventually it will propel you into unusual territories. Just make sure to take the low-points along with the heights and you might get off alive.

Download this: Te Amo, Russian Roulette, Fire Bomb