"The Sing Off" Night One: Folds-ing Under Pressure

I am a lover of all things bad television. Reality shows have become a staple in my TV-watching schedule, and for good reason: they rock. It's always pure fun to watch someone get bitch-slapped by judges' critiques on Runway, or to hear a stellar performance on American Idol. Reality television, more than any other genre, is totally hit or miss. As you might have figured out already, The Sing-Off falls into the latter category.

First, can we talk about NICK FREAKING LACHEY as a judge?! OMG, if he tilts his big ol' noggin to the side once more, I'm going to A) have a stroke then B) rip it off of him. Was Paula Abdul not available? Blech. He looks like bobblehead Ken doll.

As for the judges, did America really think they could flip the Idol table and we wouldn't notice? So what, just because nonsense-spewing black dude is on the RIGHT that makes all the difference? And, while the drugged out pretty girl is still in the middle, the one that makes the most sense is now on the LEFT (even if Ben is nicer than Simon ever could be). I found that to be truly disgusting, especially when Idol is so close to airing again.

Part 1

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The "Latin" group:

This is going to be a long ride, so let's kick it off with some backstory wtf-ing. Are we really to the point in this country where we're treating H1N1 like cancer? I feel sorry for latin dude and his pig-infested spouse, but it was ridiculous to hear him prattle on about her disease as if it was some sort of incurable ailment. Sorry to get all medical on your asses, but more people died from the regular flu this month than from Swine. Basically latin dude was crying over his wife getting a bad cold.

I had a cold rush of fear before their truly heinous performance of "I'm Yours" (never should be sung with a latin accent again) started. This is not a song for amateurs. This was probably the least favorite of my first four performances, actually. They just had too much going on, from the mediocre second singer to the Spanish-sung part at the end. It was not good. I have no idea what Ben or Tweedledee and Tweedledum were thinking letting them through.

The "Christian" group:

Southern accents! Bible-college! Beards! They must be hick-town Christians! Too bad their faith couldn't save them from a truly horrendous interview package. Really, dudes? We're going to have to take you seriously after a clip of you playing ping-pong with a voice-over saying "We're not straight-laced" is on? That was the saddest thing out of the whole episode.

Except for their performance. Which was pretty darn bad. I had a gut feeling that they were packing it up, but apparently inspiration saved them. Oh well, I guess we'll have to hear from Voices of Lee again.

The "Dad" group:

Finally, a group I could get behind! Their package was excellent, the way they just made themselves look like normal fathers who just liked to rock out. The entire time I was praying "Please be good, PLEASE BE GOOD."

And, in fact, they were. Not to be punny without the funny, but they really did rock their faces off. And Face probably had one of the two best lead singers of the first four. While I agreed with Ben that the chorus fell a little flat, it was no reason for them to go home after the first two groups wiffed it in such a profound way. (Side note: This was the first time that Nicole portrayed her crazy-woman laugh. Stay tuned.)

The "Grrl Power" group:

They had the distinction of being two things: 1. the most insane interviewees and 2. the best pure singers of the first four. I'm sorry, but when they're talking about looking at each other, then it cuts to them looking at each other, that's BAD. That made them look even crazier than they already are (Jesus lived in America! USA!) and just turned me off in the worst way.

Thank God (or Joseph Smith) that their performance was killer. The P!nk look-alike they have as a lead singer totally ripped into that Aretha song, leaving the bloody carcass of notes in my mind way after the show was over. But then the judges gave some bizarre feedback about the sound being too "tinny." I don't know what it was like there, but it sounded fine from my computer speakers. Also, Nicole's hair inexplicably moved like there was wind in the studio half-way through her comments. Wtf?

Let's take a second and contemplate how Mr. Lachey told the audience that the producers had created the phrase "Swan Song." And then let's think about how Face picked the song that was the actual swan song from American Idol circa Season 6. Maybe they should have gone home after all.

Part 2

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The "Frat Boy" group:

Let me start by saying that all those "brothers" looked like they just walked out from an audition to play a part on the new 90210. Every one of them was either cute or hot or somewhere in between. Maybe that's why Ben praised their song choice? It's stupid but I can't think of any other reason. He was spot on saying that some people would find it corny, because I almost raised my hand as the words were coming out of his mouth. Shawn increased the Randy Jackson-ness of his comments by shouting "Me too!" after Ben said the thing about "knowing what that's like." And we got more weird hair movement and crazy laughter from Nicole. What, did they bring in a tiny wind machine just for her?

The "Veterans" group:

Okay, this seemed a little planned. From the matching red outfits to the off vocals, it seemed perfect that the producers planted this old soul group to get the boot early on. And, in my "humble" opinion, they should have. Some of those notes were flatter than the blonde one in the middle. It was a dated song, a dated look, a dated delivery. Sorry, but I would ask my barber to cut my ears off if that quartet was in his shop. Which is why it was so shocking that they didn't go. I wanted Ben to rip into them, but he's too nice. The sucker.

Also, I don't buy Nicole's feigned "dope" comments. Lady, you're a Pussycat Doll! As soon as those sequined red tops hit the stage, it was all you could do not to throw up.

The "Preppy" group:

Let's face it, if anyone could win this show, it would be the SoCals. They have the vocals, the lead singer looks like Ben Folds' younger brother, and every one of them hit all their notes and steps last night. Not to be all Nicole, but THAT was dope. It's no wonder they made it into the Top 6. Unfortunately, since they were spot on, that's really all there is to say. Which is not the case about:

The "Black" group:

Train-wreck of a backstory aside, they just weren't very good. It didn't help at all (at least in my eyes) that they picked one of the worst songs of 2009. Shawn's critique was totally legit; there was a disconnect in the harmonies. Not only that, even the lead singers were flat and sharp and some new kind of off-key term that needs naming. While I would have pushed for the old lady group to get booted (because they don't have a chance in the world of winning), it was a fair elimination on the part of the judges. And Nicole, WHAT IS WITH THE HAIR?! I can't even listen to her talk, I'm just transfixed by the heinous way her hair blows.

Final thoughts:

This show was a disaster. The judges need to be more harsh, the singers need to pick better songs, the audience needs to boo at the old ladies (it would be good TV, no?) This is a classic case of nice idea-bad execution. Get Nick Lachey off the stage (paging Cat Deeley!) and put on a host that shows human emotion. Kick Nicole and her hair off the judge's table and give the spot to the tragic black girl with the red hair from the last group (she seemed nice). It needs to feel a little more real, you know? It's not good enough to say "that was dope" eight times and then send two groups home. This Sing-Off is going to squeak on by, but it really needs to check it's pitch.