A Howling Shame

I am going to preface my review with this: I am a Twilight fan-a huge one. I have read each of the books ten times, and I even convinced my Twilight-hating boyfriend to read them: and he loved them. Twilight has been given a bad name by stupid little girls who are too young for its content and by the movies that are (undeservedly) pervading our pop culture. The first movie, Twilight (0.5/10) was abysmal, so I went in to see the sequel with low expectations. (I maintain Stephenie Meyer must be contracted to lie about the movies and say she loves them, no way would she be so OK with her babies being butchered).

New Moon (3/10) was actually much better than its predecessor, so I'll begin my review looking on the bright side. The storyline was actually fairly true to the original book, with very few plot complaints from me (Except for the stupid fight between Edward and the Volturi...that should not have happened. It makes no sense. Him and Alice against a bunch of the Volturi-on their home turf? They'd be ashes by now)-so I'll make the official statement of the superiority of Chris Weitz's direction to Catherine Hardwicke. The settings were accurate. Victoria's hair is finally the red color it's supposed to be. The wolves looked a bit fake, but they were pretty cool-and I enjoyed most of the bits with them, it was comfortable and the way it should be-especially the scene with Emily and Sam. There were also a few good performances from the actors-specifically Laurent (Edi Gathegi), most of the Cullens most of the time (although I still have some reservations about Ashley Greene's portrayal of Alice, and Jackson Rathbone-Jasper-is ridiculously over the top-but at least they finally took care of Rosalie's roots...that was weird last movie), and Michael Sheen was lovely, as always, portraying the whimsical yet devious Aro. Taylor Lautner did a decent job as Jacob-he was quite accurate in my idea of the best friend/werewolf (believe it or not, Jacob actually does take his shirt off that much in the book too), and he definitely looked good in comparison to his co-stars (don't get me wrong though, I don't see any Oscars in his future) . Uh oh, I've mentioned them, guess that means it's on to the negatives...

Robert Pattinson is a crappy Method actor who overdoes everything but still managed to not have one moment of vulnerability in the movie-he always just makes weird faces and speaks in a dramatic (yet bland) tone (which is not as lyrical as it should be). And of course he is ridiculous looking (crooked eyes, weird jaw and chin-which do NOT seem marble but to the contrary are shmooshy-, too much body hair, and weird nipples). He is nothing like the Edward he portrays. Even worse is Kristen Stewart-who is just in a constant state of stoner-playing the same monotonic, blase' character that is herself but is practically the complete opposite of who Bella is! Bella is awkward, emotional, stubborn, and above all vulnerable-a trait that I do not think Stewart is capable of, thusly making me believe she should be shot for crimes against acting. (And I am still furious after reading that in-at least-the first movie she would cut out lines because she found them "corny"-probably robbing us of some of our favorite Edward/Bella moments because she is an arrogant and self-indulgent actor who cannot, in fact, act.) That is all I am going to say about those two ridiculous excuses for actors.

The Volturi were somewhat disappointing-Dakota Fanning as Jane wore way too much eye makeup (she's a vampire, who is supposed to look angelic...not like a goth) and did not possess the sweetness needed to make her malice all the more evil (and Jane's "twin" Alec didn't look like her at all, but I could see how that would be difficult), and although Aro and Marcus were fairly good as the main trio, Jamie Campbell Bower as Caius was ridiculous! Why in heaven's name is he a teenager? The other two are obviously middle aged in appearance, and Bower's baby face was just so out of place and made no sense to me for the cranky royal.

Luckily the human High Schoolers weren't present in the movie long enough to annoy me too much-but for the record: Jessica (Anna Kendrick) and Mike (Michael Welch) were about right, but Angela (Christian Serratos) is supposed to be quiet and shy, not a ridiculous little Jessica clone, and Eric (Justin Chon) is supposed to be nerdy to the max-not the popular(ish) head of a thousand committees.

Honestly, these movies will never be able to actually be good, no matter how closely they follow the books, as long as they keep the two leads. A love story where the main couple shows no real emotion=bad. It's sad because there are some good actors in them, but they only make Pattinson and Stewart look even worse. And if I hear someone blaspheme that those two idiots have any talent, or calling themselves Twilight fans when they've only ever seen the movies-or even if they've read the books but still like the movies-I believe I will go mad. Take it from an actor and a true Twilight fan-the movies are pathetic mutilations of a really fantastic series full of relatable characters and writing that seems so natural that it is completely believable as the thoughts of an 18 year old girl in extraordinary circumstances.