Rihanna "Rated R" (4.5/10)
I have very polarizing feelings about this new offering from the less and less tropical pop singer. I thought it was practically impossible for Rihanna, a woman I held in little regard, to surprise me. And for six tracks, I thought I was correct in that assumption. But... then something happened. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Here's a little bit of exposition detailing my prior feelings about Ms. Caribbean USA:
I dislike her immensely. Then she comes out with a tune that I really like. She has two really good songs ("If It's Lovin' That You Want" and "Disturbia") and a few better-than average ones. That's about it: I like her and hate her at the same time.
The good/bad news is this: my feelings towards Ms. Rihanna have not really changed. I was uncharacteristically psyched to hear "Rated R," the reason being that she actually went through a traumatizing situation. While that is not good news for her, creative intent favors the unfortunate. When Kelly Clarkson had a bad year, she sat down and penned fourteen songs, making an awesome album of classic-grrl-rock-soul. No one thought she had the capabilities, but the woman pulled it off. If an American Idol winner can do it over a record label dispute, it stood to reason a genuine pop sensation could after a domestic violence situation.
Which is, as a matter of fact, Rated R's main flaw. The first five songs (and the ridiculous intro) are exactly what one would expect after ChrisBrown-gate went down: pulsating beats, slow delivery, and faux-angst.
The low-point of this first half has to be "Rockstar 101" (offered at your local community college!), where Rihanna tries to convincingly muster up the ego to pronounce "Baby, I'm a rockstar." (Oh yeah, and Slash makes an appearance playing lead guitar to a melody an eighth grader could learn.) I half expected an echo of "No, you're not!" each time she made that ludicrous statement.
Another issue with the first batch of tracks is the amount of brutal swearing the singer spews. In her mind, the equation must look like this: Fuck + bitch + damn = anger. Unfortunately, it just comes across as a pathetic attempt to seem "edgy" or "unpredictable." Rihanna, honey, it's not effective if you sound like a five year old who just learned a dirty word.
The one bright spot (ironically) is the mopey first single "Russian Roulette."
We interrupt this blog post to inform the artist that this title is a blatant rip-off of another over-rated pop icon who used the phrase in a very recent hit. And the cover art is disgusting. We now return you to your regularly scheduled rant.
Anyway, the song is everything the first four should have been. It's pain incarnate. She really sounds like she might jump off a bridge. Success!
I was about to give up on the CD entirely when something strange happened. A guitar rift emanated from my speakers, and suddenly, there was sunlight. Like a break in the cloudy gloom in front of it, a piano-intro plays like a self-empowerment mantra until it spills into a fiery chorus, aptly titled "Fire Bomb." The vocals no longer sound like a deflated balloon, and Rihanna fills the number with a passion that is sorely missing from the previous (and following) songs. If I was reviewing this as a single, it would get a straight 10.
Continuing on her roll, the record moves into "Rude Boy" and "Photographs." The former is an enjoyable kiss-off to a despicable lover. Like very few other songs she's done recently, it's fun with a capital F. That f can also stand for "f-bomb" which she drops yet again in the second verse. She would be loads of fun as a guest on the View, that's all I can say. The latter is a nice ballad with an deal-breaking guest spot from Will.i.am's computerized voice. Ugh.
G4L and Cold Case Love are not even worth a mention (hint: one is mostly about guns, the other is plain dullsville), so instead I'll focus on a shining moment on the album, "Te Amo." Upon listening to it five (okay, 7. Fine, 10!) times I have to say, this is the most likely candidate for third single. It works on almost every level. Get ready to hate it for being overplayed! I actually had a morbid pang of fear as I saw the title of this one. My brain screamed "Bad attempt at Latin pop with botched Spanish lyrics!" For once (or twice, MAYBE) I was wrong. This is a weirdly addicting little tune which gives the details of a close (lesbian, scandalé!) encounter Rihanna has with a Spanish speaking woman. Apart from the pop star not knowing what "Te Amo" means (you're from Barbados! For shame!), it plays like a sultry version of "I Kissed a Girl."
The cliche title for "The Last Song" does not do this beautiful ballad justice. Predictable yet lovely, it starts stripped down and crescendos marvelously into a title wave of emotion. Again, this would have been a great substitute for one of the earlier songs.
In short, this album is good, bad, and everything in between. It's predictable, shocking, and a mixture of both. I can't say definitively whether I enjoyed the whole experience or not. It's like a popular roller coaster: you have to wait for it, but eventually it will propel you into unusual territories. Just make sure to take the low-points along with the heights and you might get off alive.
Download this: Te Amo, Russian Roulette, Fire Bomb
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