Songs That Glee Should Cover

It's no secret that I don't find Glee particularly appealing as of late. However, in the spirit of my through-thick-and-oh-so-very-thin viewership, I have some suggestions to make about the song selections of the producers. Of course, they'll never see this (but at least two... one person might!), but it'll make me feel better, like if I tried to resuscitate a women two minutes after she died.

#1: Cobra Starship- "

Good Girls Go Bad (feat. Leighton Meester)" This one is pretty much a no brainer. Have some girl (maybe Quinn) and some guy (Puck, possibly?) talk about how they find each other irresistible. Let's face it, it's not that big of a stretch.

Good Girls Go Bad - Cobra Starship (Official HQ Music Video)

#2: Ingrid Michaelson- "The Way That I Am" Again, a no brainer. Rachel discusses how she'll love Finn to the bitter end. Just because it's obvious doesn't mean it wouldn't be awesome.

INGRID MICHAELSON - "The Way I Am" - (official music video)

#3: Garrett Gue- "Sugar" While Gue's song may not be popular, it holds that Gavin Degraw/Jason Mraz feel to it that would benefit Will should he ever get back together with Emma. I can't imagine a song more fitting to describe one of the sweetest characters on television.

Garrett Gue - Sugar

#4: Angel Taylor- "Like You Do" Word is that Mercedes is supposed to get her own bf this fall, so what opus could better express her feelings than Taylor's sunny-as-summer track? For a pretty straight-forward pop song, it has a lot of soul to it, which Amber Riley could pull off with room to spare.

Angel Taylor - Like You Do (Official Version)

#5: KT Tunstall: "Suddenly I See" Imagine new Glee hottie Sam singing this hit from the Scottish songstress when he realizes that glee club really is the place for him! He has the breezy voice that would compliment Tunstall's genius song very well.

KT Tunstall - Suddenly I see (lyrics)

#6: Avril Lavigne- "Girlfriend" Kurt's ode to wishing Rachel and Finn would break up. Need I say more?

Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend

#7: The Ting Tings- "That's Not My Name" Brittany and Santana could rock this song, pointing out the lack of development in their characters. It would tear the house down.

The Ting Tings - That's Not My Name (Alternate)

Glee Premiere Recap: Beistly

Glee: "Audition" Recap

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN EPISODE 2.1 AND/OR CANNOT BE PERSUADED NOT TO WATCH IT, STOP READING NOW.

Okay, so Glee was back tonight, yes? And everyone was excited, right? And OF COURSE it would be back in top form, correct?

No.

This was, in my humble opinion, Glee's worst episode to date. Not only was it horrendously unfunny, it was downright mean! Let's rag on the new football coach because we think she might be a lesbian! Let's have a bitch-off between Santana and Quinn in the hall! Let's milk the mentally-handicapped girl for all the comic (fool's) gold she's worth!

Let's get into the specifics of the episode, shall we? In the opening minutes, we learn that Finn and Rachel made it through the summer as a couple, despite having NO on-screen chemistry whatsoever. I'm inclined to believe this is his fault, seeing as how Ms. Lea Michele had a lot of heat with Jonathan Groff (a sorely missed Jesse) and Mark Sailing (the might-as-well-be-an-extra Puck). Even if you buy into the whole "lead actors and actresses should automatically be the it-couple" philosophy, it's hard to root for this passionless pairing.

Anyway, this is a big episode for Rachel, as she turns from quirky to insufferable. After a (quite good) musical version of "Empire State of Mind," courtesy of the whole cast, she convinces a girl named Sunshine (played by bona fide recording artist Charice) to try out for the glee club. Little does she know that the sun is shining extra bright on the little Asian girl's big voice, making her a possible rival.

Another tidbit we pick up from the opening segment is Artie's dubious breakup with Tina. Rather than see conflict or consequence, in true Glee style, we see a quick flashback that makes Tina look like a jerk. This plot line (if you can call it that) unfortunately morphs into a full episode arc, but more on that later.

The final big story of the hour has to do with a new football coach who makes quite a stir by slashing the glee club's budget by ten percent (to which Sue says "You'll be cutting kids left and right." Why? Are the children being paid?), which makes the two existing extra-ciric teachers quite angry for some reason. Apparently Will really thinks he deserves more money, so he teams up with Sue to oust this new woman, who has the misfortune of having the last name "Beiste." She has a voice like a man, so she must be gay. Right? We all wait with baited breath.

In the mean time, a few good things are actually happening, like our meeting of (SPOILER ALERT) Kurt's possible new boyfriend. The actor's name is Chord Overstreet (seriously) and the character's name is Sam (and what a great name it is!) He sang the hell out of "Billionaire," with a light, breezy tone that is reminiscent of Jason Castro.

But wait! Just when you think the show might gain it's legs, it takes a turn for the morbidly stupid. Finn, being the "nice but dumb" guy, proved both of those adjectives true when he tried to get Artie on the football team (so he could *ahem* "get abs.") Then, the kid acts flabbergasted when Beiste goes on a rampage.

As the episode presses on, the story lines turn from their usual ridiculousness into something far more sinister. Rachel, to kill Sunshine's chances (and maybe Sunshine herself), sends the younger girl to a former crack house (right, because Rachel knows where one of those is). Sue convinces Brittany to lie and say that Coach Beiste sexually molested her (good comedy right there). It all had a rather dull "thud" to it, where the actors were trying to mine every emotion in the book, yet failing because of obtuse writing difficulty.

Despite Rachel's mortal attempts on Sunshine's life, the girl actually gets to sing for realsies (she and Rachel had previously had an auto-tuned sing-off to Gaga's "Telephone.") Of course, being a minority with a large voice, she picks a diva song, in this case "Listen," from the SHOW Dreamgirls. It's fine, yet cookie-cutter, drawing a limp shrug from its audience (at least in my living room.)

The episode ends rather predictably, with Sunshine joining Vocal Adrenaline (shout out to 30 Rock's Cheyenne Jackson as her coach!), Will apologizing for his assholeness, and Finn and Rachel on good terms. No mention of Artie and Tina (no surprise there). Oh yeah, and Lea gets to sing a gorgeous cover of "What I Did for Love," but it feels like "What Did I Just Have to Do on This Idiotic Show?" We don't know, Lea. We don't know.

Why I Dislike The Office

A lot of people have asked me over the last year what my beef is with a popular NBC comedy called "The Office." Everyone on God's green earth knows what this show is, and half of them watch it, so I won't explain it's plots or characters. I will instead give numbered reasons as to why it lost it's magic (to me) after the third season.

#1: Jim and Pam turned out to be a pretty chemistry-free couple. All throughout the fourth season we were supposed to see their relationship bloom, but it kind of just fizzled. I was a huge PB & J supporter way back when, but, like The X-Files and countless other shows before them, the payoff wasn't as grand as was hoped. For instance, while the "Run for Rabies" episode was rather clever, it proved Jim and Pam to be a ho-hum couple with no real connection. This happened again in the episode involving their overnight visit to Dwight's farm. It became a little more believable after the engagement, but that fourth season stench still hangs over their pretty little heads.

#2: Dwight went from quirky to insufferable in a flash. Think about it: He's not much fun unless he has people around to react to his insanity. Yet how do most of the characters act towards him? Cruelly, to say the least. It's not as if Dwight has the Andy-complex, which is to say that he's not a self-aware asshole. He doesn't realize, half the time, that he's being douchey, and he has a genuine personality defect. This type of person can only be funny for so long.

#3: One dimensional characters become extremely boring. Pretty much all of the supporting cast is hilarious in those first few seasons. But, soon after, they turned into predictable stereotypes that bring the show to new lows. Oh, okay, Angela's the religious ice queen. Oh, yeah, Kelly's the talkative air-head. Oh, RIGHT, Ryan is the dillhole who is actually the most annoying character on the show! All of this adds up to being tired and trite.

#4: Michael turns into a monster. Late in the fourth season, our "hero" goes out on a blind date with Pam's landlord. It was a scene that was disgusting, fowl, and incredibly unfunny. After that, I couldn't even root for this man anymore. When he found Holly, the joy I was supposed to feel sizzled and was replaced by seething hatred. That is not a good way to build a character.

In conclusion, I just feel like the writers of this hit show think on an episode-by-episode basis. They never consider the over-arching story, they introduce funny-at-first, annoying-after-a-while characters who never seem to go away, and they have no idea what a normal human being is like. This 'snapshot' of American office life is becoming more and more faded, and should really end so that 'Parks and Recreation' can come back sooner.

A-medical Idol

American Idol Season Premiere Recap:

Today I dealt with being late to class, standing in the freezing cold for fifteen minutes, and eating nothing but a yogurt parfait all day. The one thought running through my head: "Finally, after all this crap, I get to watch American Freaking Idol."

I am not exaggerating when I say this is my favorite show of all time. Since season 3, I have never missed an episode. I find it enthralling, entertaining, enjoyable, heart-rending (Carly! Allison! Megan!), and ultimately the best way to spend 1-2 hours. I watch with my mother, who basically mimics the judge's opinions, so it also takes great resolve to have all these emotions swirling inside me.

The Judges

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I knew we were in for a hot mess of a critic as soon as Victoria Beckham walked through the door in all her Posh glory. First, she looked like Barbie: The Grandma Version in day one. Seriously, I almost thought if you lifted up her dress, you'd find painted-on underwear. Plus, for a "fashion icon," her simple red dress was rather boring and drab. It wasn't the worst look of the episode, but, for a former Spice Girl, it was very disappointing.

Simon was in prime form (thank the heavens). It wasn't just the same "boring, horrible, annoying" schtick. For the first audition (Janet, the AI video game lady) he asked "Does this window open?" while they were on what had to be a 20+ floor. In another, when a contestant said they were going to Hollywood, he replied "And I can fly to the moon. Well, actually, I can." It was a brilliant line and a brilliant night for Simon.

Kara had some hiccups. Let's list them in order from least to most appalling:

- "I bet your mom makes gooood sauce."

- *dramatic voice* "You, who(m) I do not like, AT ALL."

- "You need a spanking!"

As for Randy's staying on and Paula's absence, this is all I will say: I never cared for the dawg, and I will get over Paula's departure. It is not a fatal blow to the show.

The Good

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While there were no Adam Lambert or even David Cook type singers in the mix in the two hours, there was a good dose of possible talent. Maddy, the girl with the four autistic brothers, picked the most predictable song, but sang it well enough. I don't see her making it to the finals, but a semi-final trip may be in her future.

Also in the "good voice, crap song choice" category were Luke Shaffer, who sang "Fall for You" by Secondhand Serenade (aka, the most pretentious band/person in the world) and Ashley Rodriguez who decided on "If I Ain't got You" by Alicia Keys. Luke was good (and very cute) but I couldn't get past the cheesy lyrics. If I were at that judging table (fingers crossed!) I would have made him sing another song. Ashley was even better, but again, the song choice threw me for a loop. This is a little number that every ethnic girl has sung on this show, so why show no originality as an artist by doing the exact same thing?

Not having this problem at all, the three girl montage of Jennifer Hirsh, Claire Fuller, and Jess Wolfe ripped through their songs. Jess stood out from the rest of the pack by doing a lovely version of "People Get Ready" by The Impressions. As of right now, she is my favorite to win the entire show. In that 10 second clip, she made me love her.

Now we come to the medical drama portion of the show. I get it, backstories get ratings. But really? In a half hour we had to hear the three sob stories of "boy with cancer," "girl with Alzheimeric grandmother," and "boy who shattered his two wrists by falling out of a tree." I'm not saying any of these should be handled with anything but respect, but still, I am so over the "story beats vocals" type of rock-paper-scissors game that this show has been playing.

The Bad

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Even though I liked the look (wink) of Joshua Blaylock, and I liked his personality, I do not want to hear "God Bless the Broken Road" one more time on Idol. I don't even like the song in the first place, so why do I need to hear a watered-down, smiley version?

Derek Hilton (long-lost brother to Paris?) was like taking Chris Brown and putting him through the washer while he sings. Still, I saw a voice there. Which was also the case with Lisa Olivero, who ripped out the soul of "Treating Me Kind" and ate it whole. In a bad way. Again, I really do think there is a voice there. It kills me when contestants have the stuff, but refuse to hit the notes. I just want to shake them while screaming "What is wrong with you?!"

Then we have AI game girl, guy who pissed off Kara, dude who looked like Janet Jackson (best critique of the night!), and Bosa, the kid that got through even though he was dry as toast (Hell Week will not be kind to you, bud). I don't really care about any of these, so let's leave it there, eh?

Conclusion

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It was a fine episode. There were a lot more bad auditions than I would have liked, but the two hours set up the season nicely. As usual (except for Jess), I did not see anyone that I am immediately attached to. That will come during the semi-finals. And who knows? Maybe a new Allison Iraheta is waiting to pounce on the music world. We shall see.

Pure-Bred

Ke$ha "Animal" (8/10)

When the best pop albums of the 2000s are decided, it's unfortunate that Ms. Kesha Serbet's will be five days shy of being eligible. Lady who? Britney what? Ke$ha has created the near-perfect pop album with Animal, something that Brit and Gaga have yet to do.

And it's not as if these and other pop divas haven't put out some great work. It's just that for every "Poker Face" on The Fame there was a "Money Honey" that fell short of the mark. For every "If You Seek Amy" on Circus there was a "My Baby."With the exception of one track, there is none of that to be found on Animal. 13 out of 14 songs are engrossing, interesting, sometimes even insightful tunes that both pack an emotional whallop and have fun. That's a hard balance to find.

It all begins with one of the strongest tracks "Your Love is My Drug." It chugs along with this light, breezy energy that has been quite absent from electro-pop music lately. The best moment comes at the end of the song when she's quietly repeating the refrain, proving that her voice can survive without synthesizers.

Then her first single, Tik Tok comes around. I won't go into detail, as pretty much everyone in America has heard it. Safe to say it is another extremely powerful song. The third number, Take It Off, is probably the biggest throwaway of the album. After two exceptional performances, this seems like a pale imitation. Kiss and Tell, track 4, is not that way at all. It surpasses even the opening double punch and makes itself known as the best fast tune on the CD.

What's great about Ke$ha is her diligence to pure fun. Even on slower songs, like Stephen, Hungover, and Blind, she creates an atmosphere and a presence. Some are dark-tinged, but all are wonderful. Also of special mention is Backstabber, which is an even stronger version than the ridiculously catchy demo she released two years ago.

It would be foolish not to discuss the last track on the record, as it is one of the most interesting I've ever heard. The way the song progresses, you feel like you're gliding softly over the African plains, then suddenly you're in a passionate embrace. The shift in imagery is astounding, in no small part because it happens in a split second. Ke$ha has created a gem with her debut, a sparkling, vibrant world where "show me where your dick's at" is an acceptable phrase. A world where party's don't end until dawn. It might not be a perfect world, but it's hers. And isn't that what music is about?

Rose Bowl Recap

HAHAHAHA! As if! Happy New Years!

The Real World DC Premiere Recap: Ebony and Bi-vory

There is little I loathe more than MTV. I find shows like "Date My Mom" and "Teen Mom" unwatchable, mostly because of the general feeling of putting on a show that comes along with them. Then I watched The Real World: DC. At first I thought it would be painful and annoying the whole way through. As I came to the close of the episode, it dawned on me that I no longer felt that way. Instead, my pretentious television nature had bloomed into an insatiable fodder for crap TV.

Not saying that the Real World is anything but that: crap. It puts 8 (not very interesting) people together and watches the sparks fly. I feel like making this like an awards show. So I will:

Best Moment of the Episode: It was actually in the "this season on..." montage that the producers put together. The girl with the red hair screamed "I just want to go back to who I was!!!" with tears in her eyes. It warmed my heart.

Worst Moment of the Episode: When the black dude (Ty) got all bent out of shape about his ties being "just so." Unlike the heinous religious fight earlier, it was not entertaining or mildly amusing.

Most inexplicable falling out: Ashley and Ty. They didn't even fight, but she got all hot and bothered that he was an atheist. "This *points to herself, then him* isn't working." I want real drama! Not trumped up, fakey bs.

Most "wtf?" filled scene: When Mike mentioned he was bisexual and everyone went crazy. Forgive me, but I'm pretty sure Ashley JUST mentioned that she dated a girl not 10 minutes ago and everyone was like "whatever." Why is it such a blatant double standard for guys?

Worst "look" of the show: Andrew half-naked in bed. Ick. Plus, we all knew that he WANTED her to find his little bear or whatever.

Hottest preview: the kiss between Mike and the indiscriminate girl, then the kiss between Mike and the indiscriminate guy. Both got me a little steamy.

Best "message" of the episode: The LGBT community can be involved in Christianity too. I'm not sure we want our poster child to be a 20 year old who "has done it with 9 girls and 5 guys," but still, it was nice.

Best "idiot!" moment: When Andrew told Emily that he was a cage fighter... and she believed him.

"Least screen time" award: The rocker dude. He was on while the whole "rockers MUST be attracted to other rockers" debacle was happening, but that's the only thing I can remember him doing.

Biggest "what were they thinking?" moment: Having Andrew wear that Panda hat. Um, no thank you. You just dropped from a 6 on the cuteness scale to a 2.

So, were you stupid enough to watch this prime piece of trash TV? If not, get the eff on the computer and find it. That's an order.

2009 Television Wrap-up

First of all, MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE! And to all you non-Christmas celebrators, HAPPY (insert name of special occasion)! I hope that any time you get to spend with your family is blessed and only slightly irritating.

Now, on to the real deal. I apologize that it has been so long since I lasted added my thoughts to this list. I over-committed and under-slept, and, by the time I wanted to do another article, it was nearly time for the end of the year-round-up. And I did not want to take away from any of my jokes by doing a double post. So I waited. And have now set up for you my list of the best and worst comedies and dramas of the year.

COMEDY:

The Shizznit:

ABC has done a great job this year introducing the public to actually funny comedy shows, starting back in March with Better Off Ted (who makes use of actress Portia de Rossi of Arrested Development). But this fall they brought us the amazingly hilarious Cougar Town (boasting with a cast of Courtney Cox, Christa Miller, and Dan Byrd). Each episode takes me on a ride of emotions from elation to a little sad straight back to elated. It plays with your mind. It has little Easter Eggs from the observant. It portrays real life, though not the life that you or anyone else has. It shows what real life would be like if we all had nice bodies and sharp wit (a team of costumers and writers might help in this area). It is just downright side-splittingly comical. And I hope the team of Beigel and Lawrence (both writers from Scrubs) keep showing us a great time every Wednesday at 10.

If you like this show, also check out “Modern Family,””Better Off Ted,” and “Community.”

Just Plain Shit:

In the past two years, How I Met Your Mother has become a sensation. Most of this is due to the talent of Alyson Hannigan and Neil Patrick Harris. But a lot of it has to do with the writers of the show, Carter Bays and Craig Thomas, who had previous success as writers on the Late Show with David Letterman. So, thinking they could create another triumph, CBS decided it would take a no-name writer (Claudia Lonow), and mix her with a bunch of no-name actors. And from this hodge-podge, out comes Accidentally on Purpose, marking the first time that the title of a show has described its conception (it’s a pun; laugh now). The jokes are forced. The relationships are clichéd. The characters are un-relatable. In short, this show needed aborted after about three weeks (sorry, could not resist.)

I am going to add just a few sentences about Glee, because it would be both unwise and unfair to ignore it. I thought I would love the show, but I end up hating it more and more each week. I don’t like the songs, the singers, the plots, or the characters. I am in the minority in this opinion, and I am okay with that. However, please do not confuse Notoriety with talent; just because it is cool and new does not mean that it is good. Thank you.

DRAMA:

FTW!:

Back in November I did I review of Joss Whedon’s current show, Dollhouse. At the time, my disappointment and sadness outweighed my love and loyalty to the show. But those feelings have been revived. After a month-long hiatus, Dollhouse returned bigger and better than ever. Having already been cancelled, Whedon did not have to try to conform or meet a quota. He was left to his own devices, which is how he produces his best work. We were graced with two new episodes every week starting 4 December with guest star Summer Glau (Firefly). Each one is fast-paced, suspenseful, and exciting. My brain explodes with each new twist, each new development, and each new enemy. This past week’s double-feature had me on the edge of my seat, knuckles white gripping the sides of my laptop. I simply loved it. I am excited that there are still three episodes left (including a continuation of last season’s special “Epitaph” miniseries), but I am disappointed that it will be over so soon. I can only hope that someone soon recognizes Whedon’s greatness and enlists him in helping improve their primetime lineup. P.S. Though technically in its 2^nd season, Dollhouse first aired in February of this year, so it counts.

If you are a fan of this show, you might also enjoy ”V.”

!WTF:

Despite their acclaim in the humor department, ABC needs some help choosing good serious television. They were the ones that cursed us with the show Eastwick (these are the jokes…) which has been cancelled, though was somehow allowed to air awful episodes through the end of the year. Another show that should be circumvented is FlashForward. I was only able to force myself to watch three episodes of this, but those three were more than enough. Starring Joseph Fiennes ( brother of Ralph who plays “Voldemort” of the Harry Potter Series; is personally no one of great importance), this show started with an interesting premise that quickly turned into a great ball of nothing. Characters tried to prove that they would never do the things they are going to do. Other characters don’t believe them. Some are scared they are going to die. They follow leads. They get nowhere. After an hour, nothing has happened. This show was put on a hiatus until March, but it should be expanded indefinitely. It is neither a good lesson in character psyche, nor a good way to spend your time. It needs replaced ASAP, possibly with something by Bryan Fuller or Joss Whedon (fingers crossed).

Have you Met... Priscilla Ahn?

The "Have You Met..." column will focus on artist's who have debuted in the last few years that you might have missed. These will, for the most part, be singer/songwriters who should have had commercial success, but for one reason or another, were lost in the shuffle.

Priscilla Ahn "A Good Day" (8/10)

In 2007, a Korean-American folk artist rocked the indie music scene with an EP that positioned her to be the next Regina Spektor or Ingrid Michaelson. Unfortunately for Ms. Ahn, that 5 song wonder was forgotten in the year and a half between it and her full-length debut, proving that even music nuts have short memories. Despite being the iTunes Editor's Pick of the month, "A Good Day" never really got off the ground, failing to break into the Billboard top 200.

However, this was not due to lack of quality. On the contrary, Priscilla's album may be the most vibrant and slick (in a good way) CD from a folkie in a long time. In the album's opener, "Dream," she blends pop and lo-fi together in such a way that it is universally appealing without being vapid or idiotic.

The rest of the album is just as good. "Wallflower" is a cute song about two shy kids meeting at the same party, while the record's best song, "Red Cape," is pretty much about nothing, but her lyricism and sparkling wit makes it a runaway hit creatively nonetheless.

On the softer side of things, "Lullaby" could be a long-lost children's bed time song with it's strong melody and Ahn's beautiful falsetto. Clocking in at almost 5 minutes (unusual for a folk song) you still want to hear more and more. "A Good Day (Morning Song)" is the perfect album closer, bringing to mind waking up to a beautiful sunrise. From the emotion of her words to the powerful quietness in her voice, Priscilla Ahn proves that she does not deserve to be just another Hotel Cafe singer. She deserves to be a star.

"The Sing Off" Night One: Folds-ing Under Pressure

I am a lover of all things bad television. Reality shows have become a staple in my TV-watching schedule, and for good reason: they rock. It's always pure fun to watch someone get bitch-slapped by judges' critiques on Runway, or to hear a stellar performance on American Idol. Reality television, more than any other genre, is totally hit or miss. As you might have figured out already, The Sing-Off falls into the latter category.

First, can we talk about NICK FREAKING LACHEY as a judge?! OMG, if he tilts his big ol' noggin to the side once more, I'm going to A) have a stroke then B) rip it off of him. Was Paula Abdul not available? Blech. He looks like bobblehead Ken doll.

As for the judges, did America really think they could flip the Idol table and we wouldn't notice? So what, just because nonsense-spewing black dude is on the RIGHT that makes all the difference? And, while the drugged out pretty girl is still in the middle, the one that makes the most sense is now on the LEFT (even if Ben is nicer than Simon ever could be). I found that to be truly disgusting, especially when Idol is so close to airing again.

Part 1

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The "Latin" group:

This is going to be a long ride, so let's kick it off with some backstory wtf-ing. Are we really to the point in this country where we're treating H1N1 like cancer? I feel sorry for latin dude and his pig-infested spouse, but it was ridiculous to hear him prattle on about her disease as if it was some sort of incurable ailment. Sorry to get all medical on your asses, but more people died from the regular flu this month than from Swine. Basically latin dude was crying over his wife getting a bad cold.

I had a cold rush of fear before their truly heinous performance of "I'm Yours" (never should be sung with a latin accent again) started. This is not a song for amateurs. This was probably the least favorite of my first four performances, actually. They just had too much going on, from the mediocre second singer to the Spanish-sung part at the end. It was not good. I have no idea what Ben or Tweedledee and Tweedledum were thinking letting them through.

The "Christian" group:

Southern accents! Bible-college! Beards! They must be hick-town Christians! Too bad their faith couldn't save them from a truly horrendous interview package. Really, dudes? We're going to have to take you seriously after a clip of you playing ping-pong with a voice-over saying "We're not straight-laced" is on? That was the saddest thing out of the whole episode.

Except for their performance. Which was pretty darn bad. I had a gut feeling that they were packing it up, but apparently inspiration saved them. Oh well, I guess we'll have to hear from Voices of Lee again.

The "Dad" group:

Finally, a group I could get behind! Their package was excellent, the way they just made themselves look like normal fathers who just liked to rock out. The entire time I was praying "Please be good, PLEASE BE GOOD."

And, in fact, they were. Not to be punny without the funny, but they really did rock their faces off. And Face probably had one of the two best lead singers of the first four. While I agreed with Ben that the chorus fell a little flat, it was no reason for them to go home after the first two groups wiffed it in such a profound way. (Side note: This was the first time that Nicole portrayed her crazy-woman laugh. Stay tuned.)

The "Grrl Power" group:

They had the distinction of being two things: 1. the most insane interviewees and 2. the best pure singers of the first four. I'm sorry, but when they're talking about looking at each other, then it cuts to them looking at each other, that's BAD. That made them look even crazier than they already are (Jesus lived in America! USA!) and just turned me off in the worst way.

Thank God (or Joseph Smith) that their performance was killer. The P!nk look-alike they have as a lead singer totally ripped into that Aretha song, leaving the bloody carcass of notes in my mind way after the show was over. But then the judges gave some bizarre feedback about the sound being too "tinny." I don't know what it was like there, but it sounded fine from my computer speakers. Also, Nicole's hair inexplicably moved like there was wind in the studio half-way through her comments. Wtf?

Let's take a second and contemplate how Mr. Lachey told the audience that the producers had created the phrase "Swan Song." And then let's think about how Face picked the song that was the actual swan song from American Idol circa Season 6. Maybe they should have gone home after all.

Part 2

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The "Frat Boy" group:

Let me start by saying that all those "brothers" looked like they just walked out from an audition to play a part on the new 90210. Every one of them was either cute or hot or somewhere in between. Maybe that's why Ben praised their song choice? It's stupid but I can't think of any other reason. He was spot on saying that some people would find it corny, because I almost raised my hand as the words were coming out of his mouth. Shawn increased the Randy Jackson-ness of his comments by shouting "Me too!" after Ben said the thing about "knowing what that's like." And we got more weird hair movement and crazy laughter from Nicole. What, did they bring in a tiny wind machine just for her?

The "Veterans" group:

Okay, this seemed a little planned. From the matching red outfits to the off vocals, it seemed perfect that the producers planted this old soul group to get the boot early on. And, in my "humble" opinion, they should have. Some of those notes were flatter than the blonde one in the middle. It was a dated song, a dated look, a dated delivery. Sorry, but I would ask my barber to cut my ears off if that quartet was in his shop. Which is why it was so shocking that they didn't go. I wanted Ben to rip into them, but he's too nice. The sucker.

Also, I don't buy Nicole's feigned "dope" comments. Lady, you're a Pussycat Doll! As soon as those sequined red tops hit the stage, it was all you could do not to throw up.

The "Preppy" group:

Let's face it, if anyone could win this show, it would be the SoCals. They have the vocals, the lead singer looks like Ben Folds' younger brother, and every one of them hit all their notes and steps last night. Not to be all Nicole, but THAT was dope. It's no wonder they made it into the Top 6. Unfortunately, since they were spot on, that's really all there is to say. Which is not the case about:

The "Black" group:

Train-wreck of a backstory aside, they just weren't very good. It didn't help at all (at least in my eyes) that they picked one of the worst songs of 2009. Shawn's critique was totally legit; there was a disconnect in the harmonies. Not only that, even the lead singers were flat and sharp and some new kind of off-key term that needs naming. While I would have pushed for the old lady group to get booted (because they don't have a chance in the world of winning), it was a fair elimination on the part of the judges. And Nicole, WHAT IS WITH THE HAIR?! I can't even listen to her talk, I'm just transfixed by the heinous way her hair blows.

Final thoughts:

This show was a disaster. The judges need to be more harsh, the singers need to pick better songs, the audience needs to boo at the old ladies (it would be good TV, no?) This is a classic case of nice idea-bad execution. Get Nick Lachey off the stage (paging Cat Deeley!) and put on a host that shows human emotion. Kick Nicole and her hair off the judge's table and give the spot to the tragic black girl with the red hair from the last group (she seemed nice). It needs to feel a little more real, you know? It's not good enough to say "that was dope" eight times and then send two groups home. This Sing-Off is going to squeak on by, but it really needs to check it's pitch.

Golden Globe Nominations: Lazy Eyes

Example of things called "comedy":

Today the Golden Globe noms were posted on their website, and it gave me the inspiration to voice some concerns, some wondrously adoring praises, and some "throw my laptop out my window" moments. Do not be alarmed. Only my busboy, Juan, was hurt in the making of this article.

Concerns:

- Why is there no nomination for Dan Byrd (who plays Jule's son on Cougar Town)? In just three words he can leave me crying-on-the-floor laughing. No offense to Neil Patrick Harris (who secured one of the coveted spots), but it belongs to Mr. Byrd.

- I know I've said this before, but what is the fascination behind The Office? It secured itself yet another "Best Comedy" spot over shows like, for instance, Cougar Town or Community or even Ugly Betty. This is wrong when the show is getting as stale as it is. Pack it up, Carell!

- While I don't doubt her talent, I'm not sure than Lea Michele deserves a slot for Best Actress. For one thing, she didn't get enough screen time to be truly considered a "lead." Also, she had bunk material for about half of the season and her character at times was thoroughly unlikable.

- John Hamm is not great. He's fine, he's good. He's not great.

Happy, jittery victories:

- Anything 30 Rock. It's still my favorite show ever. Congrats to Tina, Alec, and the show itself for getting nominated.

- Courtney Cox! YES! I knew that there had to be someone who loved her as much as I did as Jules. Cougar 4eva!

- Even though I haven't seen Nurse Jackie yet, I love me some Edie Falco, so I'm happy she got noticed (how could you not? the woman is a goddess).

- January Jones makes Mad Men what it is. She may not be SNL material (that episode was brutal), but she is perfect for the Grace Kelly-esque role she was cast in.

- I have to admit, House has grown on me. It's schtick that Laurie is doing, but it's good schtick. I am totally fine with him and the show getting their traditional nominations.

- Modern Family got a nod for best comedy! Hooray for non-sexual material! Family values! TV-PG! YAY!

Things that make me want to die inside:

- Matthew Morrison getting a spot on the "Best Actor in a Comedy Series" category. His acting of late has been stage performing at best. The guy needs to stick to Broadway, stat.

- Glee. Glee, Glee, Glee. No Cougar Town, no Desperate Housewives, no Betty. Just Glee. Blech.

- While Modern Family did get noticed, the same cannot be said for any of its cast members. Which is a crying shame.

I think the main problem this year was that everyone just nominated who they thought would win. There were no real surprises, no dark horses coming out of nowhere. Even if (God forbid) 30 Rock got on less nom, it would be nice to see a great yet un-hyped actor get the slot. It just seemed lazy and predictable this time around.

So what were your biggest triumphs/disappointments? Did Glee really deserve all four noms it got?

A Howling Shame

I am going to preface my review with this: I am a Twilight fan-a huge one. I have read each of the books ten times, and I even convinced my Twilight-hating boyfriend to read them: and he loved them. Twilight has been given a bad name by stupid little girls who are too young for its content and by the movies that are (undeservedly) pervading our pop culture. The first movie, Twilight (0.5/10) was abysmal, so I went in to see the sequel with low expectations. (I maintain Stephenie Meyer must be contracted to lie about the movies and say she loves them, no way would she be so OK with her babies being butchered).

New Moon (3/10) was actually much better than its predecessor, so I'll begin my review looking on the bright side. The storyline was actually fairly true to the original book, with very few plot complaints from me (Except for the stupid fight between Edward and the Volturi...that should not have happened. It makes no sense. Him and Alice against a bunch of the Volturi-on their home turf? They'd be ashes by now)-so I'll make the official statement of the superiority of Chris Weitz's direction to Catherine Hardwicke. The settings were accurate. Victoria's hair is finally the red color it's supposed to be. The wolves looked a bit fake, but they were pretty cool-and I enjoyed most of the bits with them, it was comfortable and the way it should be-especially the scene with Emily and Sam. There were also a few good performances from the actors-specifically Laurent (Edi Gathegi), most of the Cullens most of the time (although I still have some reservations about Ashley Greene's portrayal of Alice, and Jackson Rathbone-Jasper-is ridiculously over the top-but at least they finally took care of Rosalie's roots...that was weird last movie), and Michael Sheen was lovely, as always, portraying the whimsical yet devious Aro. Taylor Lautner did a decent job as Jacob-he was quite accurate in my idea of the best friend/werewolf (believe it or not, Jacob actually does take his shirt off that much in the book too), and he definitely looked good in comparison to his co-stars (don't get me wrong though, I don't see any Oscars in his future) . Uh oh, I've mentioned them, guess that means it's on to the negatives...

Robert Pattinson is a crappy Method actor who overdoes everything but still managed to not have one moment of vulnerability in the movie-he always just makes weird faces and speaks in a dramatic (yet bland) tone (which is not as lyrical as it should be). And of course he is ridiculous looking (crooked eyes, weird jaw and chin-which do NOT seem marble but to the contrary are shmooshy-, too much body hair, and weird nipples). He is nothing like the Edward he portrays. Even worse is Kristen Stewart-who is just in a constant state of stoner-playing the same monotonic, blase' character that is herself but is practically the complete opposite of who Bella is! Bella is awkward, emotional, stubborn, and above all vulnerable-a trait that I do not think Stewart is capable of, thusly making me believe she should be shot for crimes against acting. (And I am still furious after reading that in-at least-the first movie she would cut out lines because she found them "corny"-probably robbing us of some of our favorite Edward/Bella moments because she is an arrogant and self-indulgent actor who cannot, in fact, act.) That is all I am going to say about those two ridiculous excuses for actors.

The Volturi were somewhat disappointing-Dakota Fanning as Jane wore way too much eye makeup (she's a vampire, who is supposed to look angelic...not like a goth) and did not possess the sweetness needed to make her malice all the more evil (and Jane's "twin" Alec didn't look like her at all, but I could see how that would be difficult), and although Aro and Marcus were fairly good as the main trio, Jamie Campbell Bower as Caius was ridiculous! Why in heaven's name is he a teenager? The other two are obviously middle aged in appearance, and Bower's baby face was just so out of place and made no sense to me for the cranky royal.

Luckily the human High Schoolers weren't present in the movie long enough to annoy me too much-but for the record: Jessica (Anna Kendrick) and Mike (Michael Welch) were about right, but Angela (Christian Serratos) is supposed to be quiet and shy, not a ridiculous little Jessica clone, and Eric (Justin Chon) is supposed to be nerdy to the max-not the popular(ish) head of a thousand committees.

Honestly, these movies will never be able to actually be good, no matter how closely they follow the books, as long as they keep the two leads. A love story where the main couple shows no real emotion=bad. It's sad because there are some good actors in them, but they only make Pattinson and Stewart look even worse. And if I hear someone blaspheme that those two idiots have any talent, or calling themselves Twilight fans when they've only ever seen the movies-or even if they've read the books but still like the movies-I believe I will go mad. Take it from an actor and a true Twilight fan-the movies are pathetic mutilations of a really fantastic series full of relatable characters and writing that seems so natural that it is completely believable as the thoughts of an 18 year old girl in extraordinary circumstances.

Winning the War

John Mayer "Battle Studies" (7.5/10)

The best and worst thing about John Mayer is that he never stays in the same place for long. He rapidly climbed the maturity tree of music, producing a jazz-rock record (Continuum) a scant five years after his folk-pop debut (Room for Squares.) Although I might be the only person who feels this way, I liked the old Mayer better than his pompous "Waiting on the World to Change" new persona. The silly kid who once talked about bodies being wonderlands and his stupid mouth was gone, replaced by a man who wanted to be the singer/songwriter equivalent to Herbie Hancock.

So I might be the only person who was ecstatic to hear him return to his roots on his fourth album "Battle Studies." The CD begins with one of the best songs of his career "Hearbreak Warfare." It's somewhat emotionless, somewhat tuneless, but the lyrics and production come across in such a profound way that emotion is rendered irrelevant. This is more than the standard "Love is a Battlefield" type of song (and album). It really puts you in the midst of combat to provoke hard-hitting images.

After the knock-out first track, the album kind of takes a break from having quality material to deliver the throughly filler-like song "All We Ever Do is Say Goodbye" and the waste of a "duet" with Taylor Swift "Half of My Heart" (in which she sings one line of lyric). Both of these stink of missed opportunity, weakening "Battle Studies" when it should have gone guns a-blazin'.

Thankfully, that's about as bad as it gets on this record. Mayer follows up those two disappointments with my favorite song of his ever, "Who Says." Yes, it may be about having casual sex and smoking weed, but who cares? It's a perfect forum for John's quirky humor, and it works on almost every level.

From there, Mayer blends his jazz sound with his earlier work seamlessly, creating cool little tunes that reverberate in the mind. It should be of special mention that he incorporates the war/battle metaphor into every other one of the tracks, making it seem more conceptual than it actually is. Standouts include "Assassin" (which is just about as epic as one of his songs gets) and the finale "Friends, Lovers, or Nothing," which really feels like it ties the CD as a whole into a nice, if slightly frayed, bow. This album comes recommended to anyone who liked any of Mayer's first three offerings, and to anyone who just likes to be told love is hard.

Wainwright Kin and Wonder Twins

Lucy Wainwright Roche "8 Songs" (7/10)

Throughout the years, the Wainwrights have had much success in the indie music business. Louden was a world-renowned songwriter in the 80s, and his children Rufus and Martha followed suit, making some of the most interesting and unique albums of the last decade. Even though the newest member of the family, Lucy, might only be a half-sibling to the twosome, she continues the tradition of great Wainwright CDs.

More often than not on the self-explanatory "8 Songs," Lucy uses her voice like a cannon, emphasizing every note as if it is the last she'll ever sing. While initially pleasant, this can wear upon the listener after several spins. It doesn't help that it's clear as a bell when she uses it in this manner, as it feels more like an attack upon the ear than a sweet lullaby. There are exceptions to this rule, as she demonstrates on "The Next Best Western," where at times she barely sings over a whisper.

As for the songwriting, it is simply exquisite. In typical folkie tradition, she uses little (or no, in the beautiful case of B. Allen) instrumentation and lets the words speak for themselves. Several covers are present here, from a traditional English ballad (Wild Mountain Thyme) to Fleetwood Mac (Everywhere). These do not differ in quality from her original compositions, which gives the CD a feeling of coherency and clarity.

It would be wise to give this little EP a listen if you like any type of traditional stripped-down music. While she can be a bit bombastic (as much as a folk artist can be), it really is a wonderful set of songs that will brighten your day.

Tegan and Sara "Sainthood" (9/10)

In the last 10 years, the Canadian group Tegan and Sara have flown under the radar in the realm of pop music. It's not for lack of a hook: lesbian twins? Hollywood eats that crap UP. But they reached beyond what could be a serious gimmick (see: Jason and deMarco) to bring us some of the best indie-pop of the new century. Their last album, "The Con" was very dark and J-pop influenced, making for unique quasi-hits like "Back in Your Head." They had hit a plateau of brilliance and no one thought they could match it.

Thankfully, the girls agreed. Which is why they took a step back on their fifth studio release and decided to make fun, frolicy, under 3-minute pop ditties. While there is some dose of art consciousness on "Sainthood," they never move away from the hooks and finger-snapping lyrics that they have made their primary goal. For instance, "Alligator," with it's xylophone and electronic production, is a lesson in a great, light, catchy tune. This is a standout on the record, but it doesn't end there. The opening track, "Arrow," and the first single "Hell" follow the same doodley blueprint.

Like I said before, the CD is not without a measure of sophistication. "The Cure" and "Wrists" in particular showcase the duo's aptitude for taking lyrical risks and succeeding every time. The album lags just for a short spell at the end, but that barely matters when the material is as fresh and interesting as this.

Glee Finale Recap: Lights, Camera, Macktion?

Glee "Sectionals" (8.5/10)

Miracles happen every day, my friends. Sometimes women lift cars to rescue children, sometimes the Cincinnati Cardinals win a baseball game (my first sports reference! Dan Rather, eat your heart out). Sometimes, even more shockingly, Glee comes up with a terrific episode that bolsters my confidence for the second half of the season.

The road to the sectionals (which is the title of the DVD set, by "pure" coincidence) was not without its pitfalls. To pick a glaring example, there were times when certain stories were MIA for two or three episodes at a time. But I decided, as I clicked "Watch Live TV" on my Tivo screen, that I was going to watch this finale as if I knew what had happened, but not how it did. And the result was astounding. By depriving myself of any prejudices about blunders past, it helped me to enjoy what was a very successful follow-through on what had been promised in the pilot.

But first I have to complain for a skinny minute about a few minor grievances the show committed tonight. I'll list them as they are in my notes.

The Bad Things:

- The suspicion = knowledge plot point at the beginning had me reeling on the ground in abject horror. Thank God the episode got better from there.

- The pedophilia coming from one of the judge's ("Those girls shook it in all the right places") was not as funny as the producers intended.

- What in the name of all that is camp was Mercedes wearing during her rendition of "And I'm Telling You..."? I'm not a fashion critic, but that top was FUG.

- What was with the size of the trophy? They make that for a competition between three teams who didn't have to even compete in a qualifying round? It just didn't jive logically.

- Why did the ghetto school steal the wheelchair thing? That only makes sense when the McKinnley high students did it. When the black kids preformed like that, it would have appeared to be totally out of the blue and without context.

Anyway, like I said, these are relatively minor complaints. Now we shall move on to...

The Good Things:

- The episode had a distinctly satisfying conclusion. Even though everyone knew what was coming, Jayma May's incredible acting made it seem unpredictable and magical.

- I was totally wrong about Amber Riley's version of "And I'm Telling You..." It was great. And, like Lea Michele's later song "Don't Rain on My Parade" (my personal pick for best performance of the season) it didn't sound produced or studio-ized.

- I stand by my critique of the Kelly Clarkson song, but it the "You Can't Always Get What You Want" number had me smiling throughout the whole thing.

- Just like last week, the reveal of Quinn's baby's father's (that's a lot of possessive forms, peeps!) identity was done very organically. Diana Agathon really got to show off her acting chops tonight.

- I guess this was a girls' episode, because Jane Lynch, while not bitingly funny like she usually is, was in top shape dramatically. Her spot-on delivery of the rapid-fire dialogue didn't even make me think about the cliches that were pouring out her mouth (until just now.) The woman surpassed Matthew Morrison's feeble acting in every single scene, and she should be commended for that.

- The judge's panel (apart from the statutory rape hiccup) was very funny and very well done. In an episode that wasn't banking on the humor, it was a nice relief.

- It was nice to see Will and Emma hit it off, but it was equally nice to see Rachel and Finn NOT get together. It would have been a cheese overload, and it was a great call on the part of the producers.

Final Thoughts:

Glee certainly didn't bring it this season like I wanted it to. The baby subplots got old fast, the romance was a episode-by-episode affair, and the illogical reasons for things wore thin by the seventh installment. Nonetheless, I am still intrigued by what could have been a train-wreck finale, and was turned into a great show. With Terri out of Will's life (for now) and with all the secrets revealed, maybe the wait until April will give the writers time to find the magic again. And if they do, this could turn out to be a great show after all.

Gleeicide

"Glee: The Music Vol. 2" (2/10)

When the first Glee album came out about a month and a half ago, I thought it was a halfway decent attempt at turning pop music into musical numbers. It had some very good songs on it (mostly supplied by Kristin Chenoweth) and some promising performances (sans anything Matthew Morrison.)

This is not so with the second go-around. Frankly, this CD sucks. Everything on it (except for one song) is either a pale imitation of the original or a total bore. Corey and Lea, you two fumbled badly on Imagine. Matthew, while you had better selections than "The Thong Song" this time, you still weren't convincing or interesting. Amber Riley, you are not Jennifer Hudson, Beyonce, or any other diva you embarrassingly try to impersonate. I never want to hear anyone but Ms. Hudson (or Jennifer Holiday) sing "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going." Have a word with the producers, babe. Get some less predictable material.

One of the things I find perplexing is their obsessive need to make so many songs group numbers thrown in without context. For instance, if Diana Agathon's "Crush" had some sort of story to go with it, it could have been a legitimate hit. But because it just sits there, it gives the unmistakable oder of so-so karaoke. That is one of my main beefs with the music and the show itself: they don't NEED to have these random songs tossed in. Pull a "Busting Windows" again and have a true musical experience. Do they really think that people will care when the show is barely grounded in reality already?

The one song that gets a thumbs up from me (and salvages the album from a "1/10" rating) is Lea Michele's version of "Don't Rain on My Parade." She soars on this track, and while that is no surprise, it is still a welcome break from dry-as-toast numbers like "True Colors."

Special mention should also go to all the cast members that participated in the Glee rendition of "My Life Would Suck Without You." Guys, that was ear-wrenchingly terrible. Why Kelly gave you that song, I will never know. She is probably dying a little inside as she hears the traumatic way it sounds like an ugly twin of her version. Never ever ever do that to a wonderful icon of pop music. Also, stop putting Jayma Mays on the cover if she doesn't sing a note on the actual CD. That is just common courtesy.

In short, do not buy this. Do not download it. Make like "Old Yeller" and shoot it while it's foaming at the mouth. Maybe in another year, Glee will succeed in putting out a decent album, but based on this offering, I wouldn't hold my breath.

Rewind Sunday: Dashboard Confessional

Dashboard Confessional "The Swiss Army Romance" (Then: 7/10 Now: 9.5/10) Released: 2000

When Chris Carrabba hit the scene in the late 90s, he was just a symptom of a growing revolution in the country: whiney teenagers. Not that that's a bad thing, as the whiney among us have produced some of the best teen movies/television/music in the last 20 years. Many say that Carrabba eventually towed the line of believability with his teen angst, and I would have to agree. But for this release, The Swiss Army Romance, he was at least still in his twenties, producing some believable and quite soulful music.

It starts off with the best song Carrabba has ever written, "Screaming Infidelities." It is jarring in a good way, building up emotion each time he utters a previously sung line. Back then this was a pretty common occurrence, what with bands like Simple Plan and Blink 182 dominating the charts. But in this day and age, when music has become about production and electronics, it is exceedingly refreshing to go back to a time when it was just a boy and his guitar.

From there the album becomes a hit or miss affair, mostly being the former. "Living in Your Letters," the title track, and "Again I Go Unnoticed" all live up to the expectations of "Screaming," while "Turpentine Chaser" and "Age Six Racer" fall a little flat. Around the center of the CD, a song comes along that really shows what Chris is capable of. "A Plain Morning" is surprisingly angst-free, sounding a bit like a Bob Dylan or Carole King cover song. The lilting female back up vocals combine with Carrabba's to weave a wonderful duet of sorts that takes the listener to fields where the sun is just about to rise. It is a beautiful tribute to the height of Dashboard's popularity.

This is simply a great collection of songs. There are some that can feel repetitive when compared to others, but that is to be expected from a mostly acoustic band. So take another look and remember the days when music was simpler.

Download this: Screaming Infidelities, A Plain Morning, Living in Your Letters

Glee Recap: Lea-Lovin'

Glee "Mattress" (6/10)

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl with a beautiful voice. She lived in a land called Broadway and sang for the joy of the American people. Then one day, as soon as it had come, it was gone. The girl left the street that had brought her joy, and she was exiled to a place that auto-tuned her voice and made her character unlikable. The evil writers strung her up and had her sing, then changed it into garbage for their own amusement. But, one day, the girl said "Screw this" and decided to rise above the petty and illogical writing, the awful mutilation of her voice, and her weak-vocally-and-acting-wise partner to produce television magic. And it was known throughout the world as the day Lea Michele saved Glee.

Okay, so that might be overkill, but there was still not a lot to latch on to in this episode. Oh no, they draw on Finn's face with marker! Oh no, Emma is still going to marry the fat dude (am I the only one who thought that already happened?)! Oh no, the quick-fire recap was rendered useless by the amount of material! Oh no, Matthew Morrison is starting to reveal that he's not that good of an actor! But, even through all that, Ms. Michele gave her best performance to date as Rachel Berry. So I'm dedicating this recap to all the GOOD things that happened at McKinnley High this week.

- While the auto-tune was as tragic as ever, the lip-synching was mostly on point.

- Apart from the cheesy "I WILL talk to Figgins!" declaration from Will, the first scene was well-shot, well-written, and show-cased Jane Lynch's deadpan comedy nicely. The line about her not needing tear ducts actually got a chuckle from me. Between that, Sue's corner, and her comments to Quinn, this was a great episode for Lynch.

- Rachel singing Smile might have been drastically over-produced, but it was still enjoyable and fun to watch/hear. Again, kudos to Lea for making the best out of a bunk situation.

- Getting to the commercial was much less forced than plots in episodes past.

- If you take the mattress scene at face value, it was a pretty awesome musical number. The choreography and such was done very well. Even though I wish they hadn't given the exposition about "performing" (as if they could learn all that in fifteen minutes) it was a solid "movie musical" song.

- The way Will found out about Terri's non-pregnancy was totally legit. I expected some big soap opera moment where she told someone who told someone who told him, but this was a very pleasant surprise. And strangely enough, the scene where he confronts his wife is a much better vehicle for her. Gilsig is a powerful actress, and this plot point showed just how incredible she is. This scene was also logical and well-thought out.

- I'm not sure why the company would pay them in mattresses, but it sure made for a convenient segue.

- We got a Big Bang Theory cross-over with the photographer!

All in all, this was a decent hour of television. Which means it was a huge comeback from the last two weeks. Here's hoping Glee can continue this ascension into the mid-season finale.

Rewind Sunday: Damien Rice

Damien Rice "O" (Then: 10/10 Now: 10/10)

It's hard to pin down what to say about Damien Rice's incredible concept piece, O. From the name (which I thought was "Zero" instead of the letter for a few months) to the lilting vocals and the extraordinary songwriting, Rice hit it out of the park with this 2003 release.

The first time I heard the opening song ("Delicate") I thought, "Well, it's great, but there's no way he can match it." So many songwriters put their heart and soul into one number, then just use the other 9-12 as filler so they can make an album. A big offender in this area has to be Lily Allen on her first CD. "Smile" was a great song with fun lyrics and a catchy beat, but the rest just kind of paled in comparison.

But there is no coasting to be found on O. To the contrary, Rice creates a perfect bell curve of emotion. The beginning starts off great, the middle becomes unbelievable, then the end kind of shifts back down to great again. Songs like "Older Chests" and "Amie" are the most intimate pieces, the latter sounding like U2 in their prime. The haunting finale is also worth a mention, putting in not one, but two bonus tracks after the last song has faded away.

Of course it wouldn't be right not to give substantial credit to Rice's vocal partner, Lisa Hannigan, who guest sings on more than half the songs. Usually it's just backup, but occasionally she does a full-on duet with Damien. She even solos on the very last song, an a cappella re-tooling of Silent Night. This has to be one of the most ludicrously gorgeous covers in the history of music.

The best part: the entire thing is utterly timeless. It could be from the early nineties, it could be alongside Carol King in the record shop. That's the thing about Damien Rice: he proves that awesome songs transcend age. By putting so little production on them, he avoids the "in the moment" pitfall ninety percent of artists fall into.

O is simply one of the best full albums I have ever heard. Every song is like a gift from Rice himself, wrapped in strings and flutes and sensitivity, making it a definite buy for music lovers everywhere.

Glee Recap: Deaf, Dumb, and Blind

Glee "Hairography" (3/10)

When I watched the eighth episode of this "beloved" series (Mash-up), I declared it was the worst hour of television I had ever seen. Well, now Glee is giving that steaming pile of horse crap a run for its money. The show committed many offenses this week, five of which I will be calling forward. Let's go in order of most to least bothersome.

1. Jane Lynch is being used as if she is a freaking extra. The woman gets no screen time anymore, apparently preferring to come on, spout a couple (iffy) one liners, then fade into the background. It's a bad use of the character and the actress. On the other hand, again recalling Mash-up, she really didn't do well when she got her own story line. Still, if Lynch is looking to snag an Emmy nomination, she better darn well put more time in front of a camera.

2. The stereotypes are driving me to the point of exhaustion. Kurt is a caricature, his only purpose being his sexuality. Do you think the writers ever intend for him to have a relationship on the show? Because I'm starting to doubt it. Also, the "token hood school" introduced us right off the bat to two offensive black characters. Did Eve even read the script before she decided to be on this episode? "We might be thieves and arsonists, but we never cheat." Seriously? Apart from Mercedes, this is the first African American with a decent part on the show, and we turn her into a white-pride wet dream? Ugh.

3. The story lines episode to episode are either illogical or unneeded. Quinn tried to make it work with Puck... and failed. Kurt still harbored feelings for Finn.... and didn't really do anything about it. Rachel and Finn almost hooked up.... but then he liked the way she looked BEFORE. Quinn wanted to keep the baby....but then decided to give it up again. Nothing happened! It was a stagnant, static episode with no real plot development. As if this wasn't bad enough, the story points leading up to the skirmish require giant leaps of faith. Will thinks that Sue might have leaked his plays, so he confronts a random school, who randomly decided to do random randomness. WHAT IS GOING ON?! And did anyone else find it weird that in the first competition only one team performed? The ideas for musical numbers are getting old.

4. The deaf kids singing Imagine made me want to curl up and die. Enough said.

5. The best song in the episode was Quinn singing Papa Don't Preach (suddenly a lullaby?), which was beautiful and (possibly?) without studio manipulation. Then she gets totally cut off at the knees by the producers making the song about 70 seconds long. Really? We get four minutes of some heinous, auto-tuned version of Imagine while that wonderful rendition gets about as much time as Rachel's whore-over?

Am I crazy for being fascinated with the hot mess this show has become? I don't miss an episode, even though I hate it to my very core. It's like hairography itself: flashy, catchy, but ultimately a distraction.