Glee Premiere Recap: Beistly

Glee: "Audition" Recap

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN EPISODE 2.1 AND/OR CANNOT BE PERSUADED NOT TO WATCH IT, STOP READING NOW.

Okay, so Glee was back tonight, yes? And everyone was excited, right? And OF COURSE it would be back in top form, correct?

No.

This was, in my humble opinion, Glee's worst episode to date. Not only was it horrendously unfunny, it was downright mean! Let's rag on the new football coach because we think she might be a lesbian! Let's have a bitch-off between Santana and Quinn in the hall! Let's milk the mentally-handicapped girl for all the comic (fool's) gold she's worth!

Let's get into the specifics of the episode, shall we? In the opening minutes, we learn that Finn and Rachel made it through the summer as a couple, despite having NO on-screen chemistry whatsoever. I'm inclined to believe this is his fault, seeing as how Ms. Lea Michele had a lot of heat with Jonathan Groff (a sorely missed Jesse) and Mark Sailing (the might-as-well-be-an-extra Puck). Even if you buy into the whole "lead actors and actresses should automatically be the it-couple" philosophy, it's hard to root for this passionless pairing.

Anyway, this is a big episode for Rachel, as she turns from quirky to insufferable. After a (quite good) musical version of "Empire State of Mind," courtesy of the whole cast, she convinces a girl named Sunshine (played by bona fide recording artist Charice) to try out for the glee club. Little does she know that the sun is shining extra bright on the little Asian girl's big voice, making her a possible rival.

Another tidbit we pick up from the opening segment is Artie's dubious breakup with Tina. Rather than see conflict or consequence, in true Glee style, we see a quick flashback that makes Tina look like a jerk. This plot line (if you can call it that) unfortunately morphs into a full episode arc, but more on that later.

The final big story of the hour has to do with a new football coach who makes quite a stir by slashing the glee club's budget by ten percent (to which Sue says "You'll be cutting kids left and right." Why? Are the children being paid?), which makes the two existing extra-ciric teachers quite angry for some reason. Apparently Will really thinks he deserves more money, so he teams up with Sue to oust this new woman, who has the misfortune of having the last name "Beiste." She has a voice like a man, so she must be gay. Right? We all wait with baited breath.

In the mean time, a few good things are actually happening, like our meeting of (SPOILER ALERT) Kurt's possible new boyfriend. The actor's name is Chord Overstreet (seriously) and the character's name is Sam (and what a great name it is!) He sang the hell out of "Billionaire," with a light, breezy tone that is reminiscent of Jason Castro.

But wait! Just when you think the show might gain it's legs, it takes a turn for the morbidly stupid. Finn, being the "nice but dumb" guy, proved both of those adjectives true when he tried to get Artie on the football team (so he could *ahem* "get abs.") Then, the kid acts flabbergasted when Beiste goes on a rampage.

As the episode presses on, the story lines turn from their usual ridiculousness into something far more sinister. Rachel, to kill Sunshine's chances (and maybe Sunshine herself), sends the younger girl to a former crack house (right, because Rachel knows where one of those is). Sue convinces Brittany to lie and say that Coach Beiste sexually molested her (good comedy right there). It all had a rather dull "thud" to it, where the actors were trying to mine every emotion in the book, yet failing because of obtuse writing difficulty.

Despite Rachel's mortal attempts on Sunshine's life, the girl actually gets to sing for realsies (she and Rachel had previously had an auto-tuned sing-off to Gaga's "Telephone.") Of course, being a minority with a large voice, she picks a diva song, in this case "Listen," from the SHOW Dreamgirls. It's fine, yet cookie-cutter, drawing a limp shrug from its audience (at least in my living room.)

The episode ends rather predictably, with Sunshine joining Vocal Adrenaline (shout out to 30 Rock's Cheyenne Jackson as her coach!), Will apologizing for his assholeness, and Finn and Rachel on good terms. No mention of Artie and Tina (no surprise there). Oh yeah, and Lea gets to sing a gorgeous cover of "What I Did for Love," but it feels like "What Did I Just Have to Do on This Idiotic Show?" We don't know, Lea. We don't know.