The Real World DC Premiere Recap: Ebony and Bi-vory

There is little I loathe more than MTV. I find shows like "Date My Mom" and "Teen Mom" unwatchable, mostly because of the general feeling of putting on a show that comes along with them. Then I watched The Real World: DC. At first I thought it would be painful and annoying the whole way through. As I came to the close of the episode, it dawned on me that I no longer felt that way. Instead, my pretentious television nature had bloomed into an insatiable fodder for crap TV.

Not saying that the Real World is anything but that: crap. It puts 8 (not very interesting) people together and watches the sparks fly. I feel like making this like an awards show. So I will:

Best Moment of the Episode: It was actually in the "this season on..." montage that the producers put together. The girl with the red hair screamed "I just want to go back to who I was!!!" with tears in her eyes. It warmed my heart.

Worst Moment of the Episode: When the black dude (Ty) got all bent out of shape about his ties being "just so." Unlike the heinous religious fight earlier, it was not entertaining or mildly amusing.

Most inexplicable falling out: Ashley and Ty. They didn't even fight, but she got all hot and bothered that he was an atheist. "This *points to herself, then him* isn't working." I want real drama! Not trumped up, fakey bs.

Most "wtf?" filled scene: When Mike mentioned he was bisexual and everyone went crazy. Forgive me, but I'm pretty sure Ashley JUST mentioned that she dated a girl not 10 minutes ago and everyone was like "whatever." Why is it such a blatant double standard for guys?

Worst "look" of the show: Andrew half-naked in bed. Ick. Plus, we all knew that he WANTED her to find his little bear or whatever.

Hottest preview: the kiss between Mike and the indiscriminate girl, then the kiss between Mike and the indiscriminate guy. Both got me a little steamy.

Best "message" of the episode: The LGBT community can be involved in Christianity too. I'm not sure we want our poster child to be a 20 year old who "has done it with 9 girls and 5 guys," but still, it was nice.

Best "idiot!" moment: When Andrew told Emily that he was a cage fighter... and she believed him.

"Least screen time" award: The rocker dude. He was on while the whole "rockers MUST be attracted to other rockers" debacle was happening, but that's the only thing I can remember him doing.

Biggest "what were they thinking?" moment: Having Andrew wear that Panda hat. Um, no thank you. You just dropped from a 6 on the cuteness scale to a 2.

So, were you stupid enough to watch this prime piece of trash TV? If not, get the eff on the computer and find it. That's an order.

2009 Television Wrap-up

First of all, MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE! And to all you non-Christmas celebrators, HAPPY (insert name of special occasion)! I hope that any time you get to spend with your family is blessed and only slightly irritating.

Now, on to the real deal. I apologize that it has been so long since I lasted added my thoughts to this list. I over-committed and under-slept, and, by the time I wanted to do another article, it was nearly time for the end of the year-round-up. And I did not want to take away from any of my jokes by doing a double post. So I waited. And have now set up for you my list of the best and worst comedies and dramas of the year.

COMEDY:

The Shizznit:

ABC has done a great job this year introducing the public to actually funny comedy shows, starting back in March with Better Off Ted (who makes use of actress Portia de Rossi of Arrested Development). But this fall they brought us the amazingly hilarious Cougar Town (boasting with a cast of Courtney Cox, Christa Miller, and Dan Byrd). Each episode takes me on a ride of emotions from elation to a little sad straight back to elated. It plays with your mind. It has little Easter Eggs from the observant. It portrays real life, though not the life that you or anyone else has. It shows what real life would be like if we all had nice bodies and sharp wit (a team of costumers and writers might help in this area). It is just downright side-splittingly comical. And I hope the team of Beigel and Lawrence (both writers from Scrubs) keep showing us a great time every Wednesday at 10.

If you like this show, also check out “Modern Family,””Better Off Ted,” and “Community.”

Just Plain Shit:

In the past two years, How I Met Your Mother has become a sensation. Most of this is due to the talent of Alyson Hannigan and Neil Patrick Harris. But a lot of it has to do with the writers of the show, Carter Bays and Craig Thomas, who had previous success as writers on the Late Show with David Letterman. So, thinking they could create another triumph, CBS decided it would take a no-name writer (Claudia Lonow), and mix her with a bunch of no-name actors. And from this hodge-podge, out comes Accidentally on Purpose, marking the first time that the title of a show has described its conception (it’s a pun; laugh now). The jokes are forced. The relationships are clichéd. The characters are un-relatable. In short, this show needed aborted after about three weeks (sorry, could not resist.)

I am going to add just a few sentences about Glee, because it would be both unwise and unfair to ignore it. I thought I would love the show, but I end up hating it more and more each week. I don’t like the songs, the singers, the plots, or the characters. I am in the minority in this opinion, and I am okay with that. However, please do not confuse Notoriety with talent; just because it is cool and new does not mean that it is good. Thank you.

DRAMA:

FTW!:

Back in November I did I review of Joss Whedon’s current show, Dollhouse. At the time, my disappointment and sadness outweighed my love and loyalty to the show. But those feelings have been revived. After a month-long hiatus, Dollhouse returned bigger and better than ever. Having already been cancelled, Whedon did not have to try to conform or meet a quota. He was left to his own devices, which is how he produces his best work. We were graced with two new episodes every week starting 4 December with guest star Summer Glau (Firefly). Each one is fast-paced, suspenseful, and exciting. My brain explodes with each new twist, each new development, and each new enemy. This past week’s double-feature had me on the edge of my seat, knuckles white gripping the sides of my laptop. I simply loved it. I am excited that there are still three episodes left (including a continuation of last season’s special “Epitaph” miniseries), but I am disappointed that it will be over so soon. I can only hope that someone soon recognizes Whedon’s greatness and enlists him in helping improve their primetime lineup. P.S. Though technically in its 2^nd season, Dollhouse first aired in February of this year, so it counts.

If you are a fan of this show, you might also enjoy ”V.”

!WTF:

Despite their acclaim in the humor department, ABC needs some help choosing good serious television. They were the ones that cursed us with the show Eastwick (these are the jokes…) which has been cancelled, though was somehow allowed to air awful episodes through the end of the year. Another show that should be circumvented is FlashForward. I was only able to force myself to watch three episodes of this, but those three were more than enough. Starring Joseph Fiennes ( brother of Ralph who plays “Voldemort” of the Harry Potter Series; is personally no one of great importance), this show started with an interesting premise that quickly turned into a great ball of nothing. Characters tried to prove that they would never do the things they are going to do. Other characters don’t believe them. Some are scared they are going to die. They follow leads. They get nowhere. After an hour, nothing has happened. This show was put on a hiatus until March, but it should be expanded indefinitely. It is neither a good lesson in character psyche, nor a good way to spend your time. It needs replaced ASAP, possibly with something by Bryan Fuller or Joss Whedon (fingers crossed).

Have you Met... Priscilla Ahn?

The "Have You Met..." column will focus on artist's who have debuted in the last few years that you might have missed. These will, for the most part, be singer/songwriters who should have had commercial success, but for one reason or another, were lost in the shuffle.

Priscilla Ahn "A Good Day" (8/10)

In 2007, a Korean-American folk artist rocked the indie music scene with an EP that positioned her to be the next Regina Spektor or Ingrid Michaelson. Unfortunately for Ms. Ahn, that 5 song wonder was forgotten in the year and a half between it and her full-length debut, proving that even music nuts have short memories. Despite being the iTunes Editor's Pick of the month, "A Good Day" never really got off the ground, failing to break into the Billboard top 200.

However, this was not due to lack of quality. On the contrary, Priscilla's album may be the most vibrant and slick (in a good way) CD from a folkie in a long time. In the album's opener, "Dream," she blends pop and lo-fi together in such a way that it is universally appealing without being vapid or idiotic.

The rest of the album is just as good. "Wallflower" is a cute song about two shy kids meeting at the same party, while the record's best song, "Red Cape," is pretty much about nothing, but her lyricism and sparkling wit makes it a runaway hit creatively nonetheless.

On the softer side of things, "Lullaby" could be a long-lost children's bed time song with it's strong melody and Ahn's beautiful falsetto. Clocking in at almost 5 minutes (unusual for a folk song) you still want to hear more and more. "A Good Day (Morning Song)" is the perfect album closer, bringing to mind waking up to a beautiful sunrise. From the emotion of her words to the powerful quietness in her voice, Priscilla Ahn proves that she does not deserve to be just another Hotel Cafe singer. She deserves to be a star.

"The Sing Off" Night One: Folds-ing Under Pressure

I am a lover of all things bad television. Reality shows have become a staple in my TV-watching schedule, and for good reason: they rock. It's always pure fun to watch someone get bitch-slapped by judges' critiques on Runway, or to hear a stellar performance on American Idol. Reality television, more than any other genre, is totally hit or miss. As you might have figured out already, The Sing-Off falls into the latter category.

First, can we talk about NICK FREAKING LACHEY as a judge?! OMG, if he tilts his big ol' noggin to the side once more, I'm going to A) have a stroke then B) rip it off of him. Was Paula Abdul not available? Blech. He looks like bobblehead Ken doll.

As for the judges, did America really think they could flip the Idol table and we wouldn't notice? So what, just because nonsense-spewing black dude is on the RIGHT that makes all the difference? And, while the drugged out pretty girl is still in the middle, the one that makes the most sense is now on the LEFT (even if Ben is nicer than Simon ever could be). I found that to be truly disgusting, especially when Idol is so close to airing again.

Part 1

_______________________________

The "Latin" group:

This is going to be a long ride, so let's kick it off with some backstory wtf-ing. Are we really to the point in this country where we're treating H1N1 like cancer? I feel sorry for latin dude and his pig-infested spouse, but it was ridiculous to hear him prattle on about her disease as if it was some sort of incurable ailment. Sorry to get all medical on your asses, but more people died from the regular flu this month than from Swine. Basically latin dude was crying over his wife getting a bad cold.

I had a cold rush of fear before their truly heinous performance of "I'm Yours" (never should be sung with a latin accent again) started. This is not a song for amateurs. This was probably the least favorite of my first four performances, actually. They just had too much going on, from the mediocre second singer to the Spanish-sung part at the end. It was not good. I have no idea what Ben or Tweedledee and Tweedledum were thinking letting them through.

The "Christian" group:

Southern accents! Bible-college! Beards! They must be hick-town Christians! Too bad their faith couldn't save them from a truly horrendous interview package. Really, dudes? We're going to have to take you seriously after a clip of you playing ping-pong with a voice-over saying "We're not straight-laced" is on? That was the saddest thing out of the whole episode.

Except for their performance. Which was pretty darn bad. I had a gut feeling that they were packing it up, but apparently inspiration saved them. Oh well, I guess we'll have to hear from Voices of Lee again.

The "Dad" group:

Finally, a group I could get behind! Their package was excellent, the way they just made themselves look like normal fathers who just liked to rock out. The entire time I was praying "Please be good, PLEASE BE GOOD."

And, in fact, they were. Not to be punny without the funny, but they really did rock their faces off. And Face probably had one of the two best lead singers of the first four. While I agreed with Ben that the chorus fell a little flat, it was no reason for them to go home after the first two groups wiffed it in such a profound way. (Side note: This was the first time that Nicole portrayed her crazy-woman laugh. Stay tuned.)

The "Grrl Power" group:

They had the distinction of being two things: 1. the most insane interviewees and 2. the best pure singers of the first four. I'm sorry, but when they're talking about looking at each other, then it cuts to them looking at each other, that's BAD. That made them look even crazier than they already are (Jesus lived in America! USA!) and just turned me off in the worst way.

Thank God (or Joseph Smith) that their performance was killer. The P!nk look-alike they have as a lead singer totally ripped into that Aretha song, leaving the bloody carcass of notes in my mind way after the show was over. But then the judges gave some bizarre feedback about the sound being too "tinny." I don't know what it was like there, but it sounded fine from my computer speakers. Also, Nicole's hair inexplicably moved like there was wind in the studio half-way through her comments. Wtf?

Let's take a second and contemplate how Mr. Lachey told the audience that the producers had created the phrase "Swan Song." And then let's think about how Face picked the song that was the actual swan song from American Idol circa Season 6. Maybe they should have gone home after all.

Part 2

_______________________________

The "Frat Boy" group:

Let me start by saying that all those "brothers" looked like they just walked out from an audition to play a part on the new 90210. Every one of them was either cute or hot or somewhere in between. Maybe that's why Ben praised their song choice? It's stupid but I can't think of any other reason. He was spot on saying that some people would find it corny, because I almost raised my hand as the words were coming out of his mouth. Shawn increased the Randy Jackson-ness of his comments by shouting "Me too!" after Ben said the thing about "knowing what that's like." And we got more weird hair movement and crazy laughter from Nicole. What, did they bring in a tiny wind machine just for her?

The "Veterans" group:

Okay, this seemed a little planned. From the matching red outfits to the off vocals, it seemed perfect that the producers planted this old soul group to get the boot early on. And, in my "humble" opinion, they should have. Some of those notes were flatter than the blonde one in the middle. It was a dated song, a dated look, a dated delivery. Sorry, but I would ask my barber to cut my ears off if that quartet was in his shop. Which is why it was so shocking that they didn't go. I wanted Ben to rip into them, but he's too nice. The sucker.

Also, I don't buy Nicole's feigned "dope" comments. Lady, you're a Pussycat Doll! As soon as those sequined red tops hit the stage, it was all you could do not to throw up.

The "Preppy" group:

Let's face it, if anyone could win this show, it would be the SoCals. They have the vocals, the lead singer looks like Ben Folds' younger brother, and every one of them hit all their notes and steps last night. Not to be all Nicole, but THAT was dope. It's no wonder they made it into the Top 6. Unfortunately, since they were spot on, that's really all there is to say. Which is not the case about:

The "Black" group:

Train-wreck of a backstory aside, they just weren't very good. It didn't help at all (at least in my eyes) that they picked one of the worst songs of 2009. Shawn's critique was totally legit; there was a disconnect in the harmonies. Not only that, even the lead singers were flat and sharp and some new kind of off-key term that needs naming. While I would have pushed for the old lady group to get booted (because they don't have a chance in the world of winning), it was a fair elimination on the part of the judges. And Nicole, WHAT IS WITH THE HAIR?! I can't even listen to her talk, I'm just transfixed by the heinous way her hair blows.

Final thoughts:

This show was a disaster. The judges need to be more harsh, the singers need to pick better songs, the audience needs to boo at the old ladies (it would be good TV, no?) This is a classic case of nice idea-bad execution. Get Nick Lachey off the stage (paging Cat Deeley!) and put on a host that shows human emotion. Kick Nicole and her hair off the judge's table and give the spot to the tragic black girl with the red hair from the last group (she seemed nice). It needs to feel a little more real, you know? It's not good enough to say "that was dope" eight times and then send two groups home. This Sing-Off is going to squeak on by, but it really needs to check it's pitch.

Golden Globe Nominations: Lazy Eyes

Example of things called "comedy":

Today the Golden Globe noms were posted on their website, and it gave me the inspiration to voice some concerns, some wondrously adoring praises, and some "throw my laptop out my window" moments. Do not be alarmed. Only my busboy, Juan, was hurt in the making of this article.

Concerns:

- Why is there no nomination for Dan Byrd (who plays Jule's son on Cougar Town)? In just three words he can leave me crying-on-the-floor laughing. No offense to Neil Patrick Harris (who secured one of the coveted spots), but it belongs to Mr. Byrd.

- I know I've said this before, but what is the fascination behind The Office? It secured itself yet another "Best Comedy" spot over shows like, for instance, Cougar Town or Community or even Ugly Betty. This is wrong when the show is getting as stale as it is. Pack it up, Carell!

- While I don't doubt her talent, I'm not sure than Lea Michele deserves a slot for Best Actress. For one thing, she didn't get enough screen time to be truly considered a "lead." Also, she had bunk material for about half of the season and her character at times was thoroughly unlikable.

- John Hamm is not great. He's fine, he's good. He's not great.

Happy, jittery victories:

- Anything 30 Rock. It's still my favorite show ever. Congrats to Tina, Alec, and the show itself for getting nominated.

- Courtney Cox! YES! I knew that there had to be someone who loved her as much as I did as Jules. Cougar 4eva!

- Even though I haven't seen Nurse Jackie yet, I love me some Edie Falco, so I'm happy she got noticed (how could you not? the woman is a goddess).

- January Jones makes Mad Men what it is. She may not be SNL material (that episode was brutal), but she is perfect for the Grace Kelly-esque role she was cast in.

- I have to admit, House has grown on me. It's schtick that Laurie is doing, but it's good schtick. I am totally fine with him and the show getting their traditional nominations.

- Modern Family got a nod for best comedy! Hooray for non-sexual material! Family values! TV-PG! YAY!

Things that make me want to die inside:

- Matthew Morrison getting a spot on the "Best Actor in a Comedy Series" category. His acting of late has been stage performing at best. The guy needs to stick to Broadway, stat.

- Glee. Glee, Glee, Glee. No Cougar Town, no Desperate Housewives, no Betty. Just Glee. Blech.

- While Modern Family did get noticed, the same cannot be said for any of its cast members. Which is a crying shame.

I think the main problem this year was that everyone just nominated who they thought would win. There were no real surprises, no dark horses coming out of nowhere. Even if (God forbid) 30 Rock got on less nom, it would be nice to see a great yet un-hyped actor get the slot. It just seemed lazy and predictable this time around.

So what were your biggest triumphs/disappointments? Did Glee really deserve all four noms it got?

A Howling Shame

I am going to preface my review with this: I am a Twilight fan-a huge one. I have read each of the books ten times, and I even convinced my Twilight-hating boyfriend to read them: and he loved them. Twilight has been given a bad name by stupid little girls who are too young for its content and by the movies that are (undeservedly) pervading our pop culture. The first movie, Twilight (0.5/10) was abysmal, so I went in to see the sequel with low expectations. (I maintain Stephenie Meyer must be contracted to lie about the movies and say she loves them, no way would she be so OK with her babies being butchered).

New Moon (3/10) was actually much better than its predecessor, so I'll begin my review looking on the bright side. The storyline was actually fairly true to the original book, with very few plot complaints from me (Except for the stupid fight between Edward and the Volturi...that should not have happened. It makes no sense. Him and Alice against a bunch of the Volturi-on their home turf? They'd be ashes by now)-so I'll make the official statement of the superiority of Chris Weitz's direction to Catherine Hardwicke. The settings were accurate. Victoria's hair is finally the red color it's supposed to be. The wolves looked a bit fake, but they were pretty cool-and I enjoyed most of the bits with them, it was comfortable and the way it should be-especially the scene with Emily and Sam. There were also a few good performances from the actors-specifically Laurent (Edi Gathegi), most of the Cullens most of the time (although I still have some reservations about Ashley Greene's portrayal of Alice, and Jackson Rathbone-Jasper-is ridiculously over the top-but at least they finally took care of Rosalie's roots...that was weird last movie), and Michael Sheen was lovely, as always, portraying the whimsical yet devious Aro. Taylor Lautner did a decent job as Jacob-he was quite accurate in my idea of the best friend/werewolf (believe it or not, Jacob actually does take his shirt off that much in the book too), and he definitely looked good in comparison to his co-stars (don't get me wrong though, I don't see any Oscars in his future) . Uh oh, I've mentioned them, guess that means it's on to the negatives...

Robert Pattinson is a crappy Method actor who overdoes everything but still managed to not have one moment of vulnerability in the movie-he always just makes weird faces and speaks in a dramatic (yet bland) tone (which is not as lyrical as it should be). And of course he is ridiculous looking (crooked eyes, weird jaw and chin-which do NOT seem marble but to the contrary are shmooshy-, too much body hair, and weird nipples). He is nothing like the Edward he portrays. Even worse is Kristen Stewart-who is just in a constant state of stoner-playing the same monotonic, blase' character that is herself but is practically the complete opposite of who Bella is! Bella is awkward, emotional, stubborn, and above all vulnerable-a trait that I do not think Stewart is capable of, thusly making me believe she should be shot for crimes against acting. (And I am still furious after reading that in-at least-the first movie she would cut out lines because she found them "corny"-probably robbing us of some of our favorite Edward/Bella moments because she is an arrogant and self-indulgent actor who cannot, in fact, act.) That is all I am going to say about those two ridiculous excuses for actors.

The Volturi were somewhat disappointing-Dakota Fanning as Jane wore way too much eye makeup (she's a vampire, who is supposed to look angelic...not like a goth) and did not possess the sweetness needed to make her malice all the more evil (and Jane's "twin" Alec didn't look like her at all, but I could see how that would be difficult), and although Aro and Marcus were fairly good as the main trio, Jamie Campbell Bower as Caius was ridiculous! Why in heaven's name is he a teenager? The other two are obviously middle aged in appearance, and Bower's baby face was just so out of place and made no sense to me for the cranky royal.

Luckily the human High Schoolers weren't present in the movie long enough to annoy me too much-but for the record: Jessica (Anna Kendrick) and Mike (Michael Welch) were about right, but Angela (Christian Serratos) is supposed to be quiet and shy, not a ridiculous little Jessica clone, and Eric (Justin Chon) is supposed to be nerdy to the max-not the popular(ish) head of a thousand committees.

Honestly, these movies will never be able to actually be good, no matter how closely they follow the books, as long as they keep the two leads. A love story where the main couple shows no real emotion=bad. It's sad because there are some good actors in them, but they only make Pattinson and Stewart look even worse. And if I hear someone blaspheme that those two idiots have any talent, or calling themselves Twilight fans when they've only ever seen the movies-or even if they've read the books but still like the movies-I believe I will go mad. Take it from an actor and a true Twilight fan-the movies are pathetic mutilations of a really fantastic series full of relatable characters and writing that seems so natural that it is completely believable as the thoughts of an 18 year old girl in extraordinary circumstances.

Winning the War

John Mayer "Battle Studies" (7.5/10)

The best and worst thing about John Mayer is that he never stays in the same place for long. He rapidly climbed the maturity tree of music, producing a jazz-rock record (Continuum) a scant five years after his folk-pop debut (Room for Squares.) Although I might be the only person who feels this way, I liked the old Mayer better than his pompous "Waiting on the World to Change" new persona. The silly kid who once talked about bodies being wonderlands and his stupid mouth was gone, replaced by a man who wanted to be the singer/songwriter equivalent to Herbie Hancock.

So I might be the only person who was ecstatic to hear him return to his roots on his fourth album "Battle Studies." The CD begins with one of the best songs of his career "Hearbreak Warfare." It's somewhat emotionless, somewhat tuneless, but the lyrics and production come across in such a profound way that emotion is rendered irrelevant. This is more than the standard "Love is a Battlefield" type of song (and album). It really puts you in the midst of combat to provoke hard-hitting images.

After the knock-out first track, the album kind of takes a break from having quality material to deliver the throughly filler-like song "All We Ever Do is Say Goodbye" and the waste of a "duet" with Taylor Swift "Half of My Heart" (in which she sings one line of lyric). Both of these stink of missed opportunity, weakening "Battle Studies" when it should have gone guns a-blazin'.

Thankfully, that's about as bad as it gets on this record. Mayer follows up those two disappointments with my favorite song of his ever, "Who Says." Yes, it may be about having casual sex and smoking weed, but who cares? It's a perfect forum for John's quirky humor, and it works on almost every level.

From there, Mayer blends his jazz sound with his earlier work seamlessly, creating cool little tunes that reverberate in the mind. It should be of special mention that he incorporates the war/battle metaphor into every other one of the tracks, making it seem more conceptual than it actually is. Standouts include "Assassin" (which is just about as epic as one of his songs gets) and the finale "Friends, Lovers, or Nothing," which really feels like it ties the CD as a whole into a nice, if slightly frayed, bow. This album comes recommended to anyone who liked any of Mayer's first three offerings, and to anyone who just likes to be told love is hard.