Songs That Glee Should Cover

It's no secret that I don't find Glee particularly appealing as of late. However, in the spirit of my through-thick-and-oh-so-very-thin viewership, I have some suggestions to make about the song selections of the producers. Of course, they'll never see this (but at least two... one person might!), but it'll make me feel better, like if I tried to resuscitate a women two minutes after she died.

#1: Cobra Starship- "

Good Girls Go Bad (feat. Leighton Meester)" This one is pretty much a no brainer. Have some girl (maybe Quinn) and some guy (Puck, possibly?) talk about how they find each other irresistible. Let's face it, it's not that big of a stretch.

Good Girls Go Bad - Cobra Starship (Official HQ Music Video)

#2: Ingrid Michaelson- "The Way That I Am" Again, a no brainer. Rachel discusses how she'll love Finn to the bitter end. Just because it's obvious doesn't mean it wouldn't be awesome.

INGRID MICHAELSON - "The Way I Am" - (official music video)

#3: Garrett Gue- "Sugar" While Gue's song may not be popular, it holds that Gavin Degraw/Jason Mraz feel to it that would benefit Will should he ever get back together with Emma. I can't imagine a song more fitting to describe one of the sweetest characters on television.

Garrett Gue - Sugar

#4: Angel Taylor- "Like You Do" Word is that Mercedes is supposed to get her own bf this fall, so what opus could better express her feelings than Taylor's sunny-as-summer track? For a pretty straight-forward pop song, it has a lot of soul to it, which Amber Riley could pull off with room to spare.

Angel Taylor - Like You Do (Official Version)

#5: KT Tunstall: "Suddenly I See" Imagine new Glee hottie Sam singing this hit from the Scottish songstress when he realizes that glee club really is the place for him! He has the breezy voice that would compliment Tunstall's genius song very well.

KT Tunstall - Suddenly I see (lyrics)

#6: Avril Lavigne- "Girlfriend" Kurt's ode to wishing Rachel and Finn would break up. Need I say more?

Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend

#7: The Ting Tings- "That's Not My Name" Brittany and Santana could rock this song, pointing out the lack of development in their characters. It would tear the house down.

The Ting Tings - That's Not My Name (Alternate)

Glee Premiere Recap: Beistly

Glee: "Audition" Recap

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN EPISODE 2.1 AND/OR CANNOT BE PERSUADED NOT TO WATCH IT, STOP READING NOW.

Okay, so Glee was back tonight, yes? And everyone was excited, right? And OF COURSE it would be back in top form, correct?

No.

This was, in my humble opinion, Glee's worst episode to date. Not only was it horrendously unfunny, it was downright mean! Let's rag on the new football coach because we think she might be a lesbian! Let's have a bitch-off between Santana and Quinn in the hall! Let's milk the mentally-handicapped girl for all the comic (fool's) gold she's worth!

Let's get into the specifics of the episode, shall we? In the opening minutes, we learn that Finn and Rachel made it through the summer as a couple, despite having NO on-screen chemistry whatsoever. I'm inclined to believe this is his fault, seeing as how Ms. Lea Michele had a lot of heat with Jonathan Groff (a sorely missed Jesse) and Mark Sailing (the might-as-well-be-an-extra Puck). Even if you buy into the whole "lead actors and actresses should automatically be the it-couple" philosophy, it's hard to root for this passionless pairing.

Anyway, this is a big episode for Rachel, as she turns from quirky to insufferable. After a (quite good) musical version of "Empire State of Mind," courtesy of the whole cast, she convinces a girl named Sunshine (played by bona fide recording artist Charice) to try out for the glee club. Little does she know that the sun is shining extra bright on the little Asian girl's big voice, making her a possible rival.

Another tidbit we pick up from the opening segment is Artie's dubious breakup with Tina. Rather than see conflict or consequence, in true Glee style, we see a quick flashback that makes Tina look like a jerk. This plot line (if you can call it that) unfortunately morphs into a full episode arc, but more on that later.

The final big story of the hour has to do with a new football coach who makes quite a stir by slashing the glee club's budget by ten percent (to which Sue says "You'll be cutting kids left and right." Why? Are the children being paid?), which makes the two existing extra-ciric teachers quite angry for some reason. Apparently Will really thinks he deserves more money, so he teams up with Sue to oust this new woman, who has the misfortune of having the last name "Beiste." She has a voice like a man, so she must be gay. Right? We all wait with baited breath.

In the mean time, a few good things are actually happening, like our meeting of (SPOILER ALERT) Kurt's possible new boyfriend. The actor's name is Chord Overstreet (seriously) and the character's name is Sam (and what a great name it is!) He sang the hell out of "Billionaire," with a light, breezy tone that is reminiscent of Jason Castro.

But wait! Just when you think the show might gain it's legs, it takes a turn for the morbidly stupid. Finn, being the "nice but dumb" guy, proved both of those adjectives true when he tried to get Artie on the football team (so he could *ahem* "get abs.") Then, the kid acts flabbergasted when Beiste goes on a rampage.

As the episode presses on, the story lines turn from their usual ridiculousness into something far more sinister. Rachel, to kill Sunshine's chances (and maybe Sunshine herself), sends the younger girl to a former crack house (right, because Rachel knows where one of those is). Sue convinces Brittany to lie and say that Coach Beiste sexually molested her (good comedy right there). It all had a rather dull "thud" to it, where the actors were trying to mine every emotion in the book, yet failing because of obtuse writing difficulty.

Despite Rachel's mortal attempts on Sunshine's life, the girl actually gets to sing for realsies (she and Rachel had previously had an auto-tuned sing-off to Gaga's "Telephone.") Of course, being a minority with a large voice, she picks a diva song, in this case "Listen," from the SHOW Dreamgirls. It's fine, yet cookie-cutter, drawing a limp shrug from its audience (at least in my living room.)

The episode ends rather predictably, with Sunshine joining Vocal Adrenaline (shout out to 30 Rock's Cheyenne Jackson as her coach!), Will apologizing for his assholeness, and Finn and Rachel on good terms. No mention of Artie and Tina (no surprise there). Oh yeah, and Lea gets to sing a gorgeous cover of "What I Did for Love," but it feels like "What Did I Just Have to Do on This Idiotic Show?" We don't know, Lea. We don't know.

Why I Dislike The Office

A lot of people have asked me over the last year what my beef is with a popular NBC comedy called "The Office." Everyone on God's green earth knows what this show is, and half of them watch it, so I won't explain it's plots or characters. I will instead give numbered reasons as to why it lost it's magic (to me) after the third season.

#1: Jim and Pam turned out to be a pretty chemistry-free couple. All throughout the fourth season we were supposed to see their relationship bloom, but it kind of just fizzled. I was a huge PB & J supporter way back when, but, like The X-Files and countless other shows before them, the payoff wasn't as grand as was hoped. For instance, while the "Run for Rabies" episode was rather clever, it proved Jim and Pam to be a ho-hum couple with no real connection. This happened again in the episode involving their overnight visit to Dwight's farm. It became a little more believable after the engagement, but that fourth season stench still hangs over their pretty little heads.

#2: Dwight went from quirky to insufferable in a flash. Think about it: He's not much fun unless he has people around to react to his insanity. Yet how do most of the characters act towards him? Cruelly, to say the least. It's not as if Dwight has the Andy-complex, which is to say that he's not a self-aware asshole. He doesn't realize, half the time, that he's being douchey, and he has a genuine personality defect. This type of person can only be funny for so long.

#3: One dimensional characters become extremely boring. Pretty much all of the supporting cast is hilarious in those first few seasons. But, soon after, they turned into predictable stereotypes that bring the show to new lows. Oh, okay, Angela's the religious ice queen. Oh, yeah, Kelly's the talkative air-head. Oh, RIGHT, Ryan is the dillhole who is actually the most annoying character on the show! All of this adds up to being tired and trite.

#4: Michael turns into a monster. Late in the fourth season, our "hero" goes out on a blind date with Pam's landlord. It was a scene that was disgusting, fowl, and incredibly unfunny. After that, I couldn't even root for this man anymore. When he found Holly, the joy I was supposed to feel sizzled and was replaced by seething hatred. That is not a good way to build a character.

In conclusion, I just feel like the writers of this hit show think on an episode-by-episode basis. They never consider the over-arching story, they introduce funny-at-first, annoying-after-a-while characters who never seem to go away, and they have no idea what a normal human being is like. This 'snapshot' of American office life is becoming more and more faded, and should really end so that 'Parks and Recreation' can come back sooner.

A-medical Idol

American Idol Season Premiere Recap:

Today I dealt with being late to class, standing in the freezing cold for fifteen minutes, and eating nothing but a yogurt parfait all day. The one thought running through my head: "Finally, after all this crap, I get to watch American Freaking Idol."

I am not exaggerating when I say this is my favorite show of all time. Since season 3, I have never missed an episode. I find it enthralling, entertaining, enjoyable, heart-rending (Carly! Allison! Megan!), and ultimately the best way to spend 1-2 hours. I watch with my mother, who basically mimics the judge's opinions, so it also takes great resolve to have all these emotions swirling inside me.

The Judges

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I knew we were in for a hot mess of a critic as soon as Victoria Beckham walked through the door in all her Posh glory. First, she looked like Barbie: The Grandma Version in day one. Seriously, I almost thought if you lifted up her dress, you'd find painted-on underwear. Plus, for a "fashion icon," her simple red dress was rather boring and drab. It wasn't the worst look of the episode, but, for a former Spice Girl, it was very disappointing.

Simon was in prime form (thank the heavens). It wasn't just the same "boring, horrible, annoying" schtick. For the first audition (Janet, the AI video game lady) he asked "Does this window open?" while they were on what had to be a 20+ floor. In another, when a contestant said they were going to Hollywood, he replied "And I can fly to the moon. Well, actually, I can." It was a brilliant line and a brilliant night for Simon.

Kara had some hiccups. Let's list them in order from least to most appalling:

- "I bet your mom makes gooood sauce."

- *dramatic voice* "You, who(m) I do not like, AT ALL."

- "You need a spanking!"

As for Randy's staying on and Paula's absence, this is all I will say: I never cared for the dawg, and I will get over Paula's departure. It is not a fatal blow to the show.

The Good

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While there were no Adam Lambert or even David Cook type singers in the mix in the two hours, there was a good dose of possible talent. Maddy, the girl with the four autistic brothers, picked the most predictable song, but sang it well enough. I don't see her making it to the finals, but a semi-final trip may be in her future.

Also in the "good voice, crap song choice" category were Luke Shaffer, who sang "Fall for You" by Secondhand Serenade (aka, the most pretentious band/person in the world) and Ashley Rodriguez who decided on "If I Ain't got You" by Alicia Keys. Luke was good (and very cute) but I couldn't get past the cheesy lyrics. If I were at that judging table (fingers crossed!) I would have made him sing another song. Ashley was even better, but again, the song choice threw me for a loop. This is a little number that every ethnic girl has sung on this show, so why show no originality as an artist by doing the exact same thing?

Not having this problem at all, the three girl montage of Jennifer Hirsh, Claire Fuller, and Jess Wolfe ripped through their songs. Jess stood out from the rest of the pack by doing a lovely version of "People Get Ready" by The Impressions. As of right now, she is my favorite to win the entire show. In that 10 second clip, she made me love her.

Now we come to the medical drama portion of the show. I get it, backstories get ratings. But really? In a half hour we had to hear the three sob stories of "boy with cancer," "girl with Alzheimeric grandmother," and "boy who shattered his two wrists by falling out of a tree." I'm not saying any of these should be handled with anything but respect, but still, I am so over the "story beats vocals" type of rock-paper-scissors game that this show has been playing.

The Bad

____________________

Even though I liked the look (wink) of Joshua Blaylock, and I liked his personality, I do not want to hear "God Bless the Broken Road" one more time on Idol. I don't even like the song in the first place, so why do I need to hear a watered-down, smiley version?

Derek Hilton (long-lost brother to Paris?) was like taking Chris Brown and putting him through the washer while he sings. Still, I saw a voice there. Which was also the case with Lisa Olivero, who ripped out the soul of "Treating Me Kind" and ate it whole. In a bad way. Again, I really do think there is a voice there. It kills me when contestants have the stuff, but refuse to hit the notes. I just want to shake them while screaming "What is wrong with you?!"

Then we have AI game girl, guy who pissed off Kara, dude who looked like Janet Jackson (best critique of the night!), and Bosa, the kid that got through even though he was dry as toast (Hell Week will not be kind to you, bud). I don't really care about any of these, so let's leave it there, eh?

Conclusion

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It was a fine episode. There were a lot more bad auditions than I would have liked, but the two hours set up the season nicely. As usual (except for Jess), I did not see anyone that I am immediately attached to. That will come during the semi-finals. And who knows? Maybe a new Allison Iraheta is waiting to pounce on the music world. We shall see.

Pure-Bred

Ke$ha "Animal" (8/10)

When the best pop albums of the 2000s are decided, it's unfortunate that Ms. Kesha Serbet's will be five days shy of being eligible. Lady who? Britney what? Ke$ha has created the near-perfect pop album with Animal, something that Brit and Gaga have yet to do.

And it's not as if these and other pop divas haven't put out some great work. It's just that for every "Poker Face" on The Fame there was a "Money Honey" that fell short of the mark. For every "If You Seek Amy" on Circus there was a "My Baby."With the exception of one track, there is none of that to be found on Animal. 13 out of 14 songs are engrossing, interesting, sometimes even insightful tunes that both pack an emotional whallop and have fun. That's a hard balance to find.

It all begins with one of the strongest tracks "Your Love is My Drug." It chugs along with this light, breezy energy that has been quite absent from electro-pop music lately. The best moment comes at the end of the song when she's quietly repeating the refrain, proving that her voice can survive without synthesizers.

Then her first single, Tik Tok comes around. I won't go into detail, as pretty much everyone in America has heard it. Safe to say it is another extremely powerful song. The third number, Take It Off, is probably the biggest throwaway of the album. After two exceptional performances, this seems like a pale imitation. Kiss and Tell, track 4, is not that way at all. It surpasses even the opening double punch and makes itself known as the best fast tune on the CD.

What's great about Ke$ha is her diligence to pure fun. Even on slower songs, like Stephen, Hungover, and Blind, she creates an atmosphere and a presence. Some are dark-tinged, but all are wonderful. Also of special mention is Backstabber, which is an even stronger version than the ridiculously catchy demo she released two years ago.

It would be foolish not to discuss the last track on the record, as it is one of the most interesting I've ever heard. The way the song progresses, you feel like you're gliding softly over the African plains, then suddenly you're in a passionate embrace. The shift in imagery is astounding, in no small part because it happens in a split second. Ke$ha has created a gem with her debut, a sparkling, vibrant world where "show me where your dick's at" is an acceptable phrase. A world where party's don't end until dawn. It might not be a perfect world, but it's hers. And isn't that what music is about?

Rose Bowl Recap

HAHAHAHA! As if! Happy New Years!

The Real World DC Premiere Recap: Ebony and Bi-vory

There is little I loathe more than MTV. I find shows like "Date My Mom" and "Teen Mom" unwatchable, mostly because of the general feeling of putting on a show that comes along with them. Then I watched The Real World: DC. At first I thought it would be painful and annoying the whole way through. As I came to the close of the episode, it dawned on me that I no longer felt that way. Instead, my pretentious television nature had bloomed into an insatiable fodder for crap TV.

Not saying that the Real World is anything but that: crap. It puts 8 (not very interesting) people together and watches the sparks fly. I feel like making this like an awards show. So I will:

Best Moment of the Episode: It was actually in the "this season on..." montage that the producers put together. The girl with the red hair screamed "I just want to go back to who I was!!!" with tears in her eyes. It warmed my heart.

Worst Moment of the Episode: When the black dude (Ty) got all bent out of shape about his ties being "just so." Unlike the heinous religious fight earlier, it was not entertaining or mildly amusing.

Most inexplicable falling out: Ashley and Ty. They didn't even fight, but she got all hot and bothered that he was an atheist. "This *points to herself, then him* isn't working." I want real drama! Not trumped up, fakey bs.

Most "wtf?" filled scene: When Mike mentioned he was bisexual and everyone went crazy. Forgive me, but I'm pretty sure Ashley JUST mentioned that she dated a girl not 10 minutes ago and everyone was like "whatever." Why is it such a blatant double standard for guys?

Worst "look" of the show: Andrew half-naked in bed. Ick. Plus, we all knew that he WANTED her to find his little bear or whatever.

Hottest preview: the kiss between Mike and the indiscriminate girl, then the kiss between Mike and the indiscriminate guy. Both got me a little steamy.

Best "message" of the episode: The LGBT community can be involved in Christianity too. I'm not sure we want our poster child to be a 20 year old who "has done it with 9 girls and 5 guys," but still, it was nice.

Best "idiot!" moment: When Andrew told Emily that he was a cage fighter... and she believed him.

"Least screen time" award: The rocker dude. He was on while the whole "rockers MUST be attracted to other rockers" debacle was happening, but that's the only thing I can remember him doing.

Biggest "what were they thinking?" moment: Having Andrew wear that Panda hat. Um, no thank you. You just dropped from a 6 on the cuteness scale to a 2.

So, were you stupid enough to watch this prime piece of trash TV? If not, get the eff on the computer and find it. That's an order.